British shops add hard hats to 'back to school' ranges

SHOPS in the UK have added safety helmets and steel toe cap shoes to their ‘back to school’ ranges alongside lunch boxes and protractor sets.

As the RAAC concrete crisis deepens and ministers are unable to guarantee children will not be crushed by falling masonry during maths, British stores have introduced a new range of miniature protective clothing.

A Tesco spokesperson said: “Will your child be learning how to use a set square today or will they be falling through the floor of their classroom? Nobody knows, so it’s best to send them prepared for all eventualities.

“You can get the usual polo shirts and grey trousers, but why not add a hi-vis jacket to your basket too? It will make them much easier to spot amidst the dust and rubble of their collapsed dinner hall.

“And obviously the government are a shower of useless bastards who aren’t going to fix this any time soon, so we’re working on a line of child-sized tools, plant machinery and so on, so that the kids can rebuild the schools themselves. Should be available by Christmas.”

Eight-year-old Oliver O’Connor said: “It’s a bit scary going to a school that might fall down, but if it did we’d get to go home so I’m secretly hoping for a horrific disaster.”

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'Take a chill pill': cool phrases which effortlessly demonstrate you're old and out-of-touch

ARE you rapidly ageing into irrelevance? Does the slang of your youth date you as accurately as tree rings? Which of these outdated phrases are you using? 

‘Sick’, 1986

The whole bad-meaning-good phase, where sick came from Californian skater slang and described something cool or awesome, lasted longer than ‘tubular’ which frankly never caught on. Michael Jackson ruined it by describing himself as ‘bad’, which he wasn’t. In that sense. Though he very much was in the original sense.

‘….NOT!’, 1992

Popularised by the Wayne’s World movie, everyone back in the early days of the CD Walkman would make sincere-seeming statements and append ‘Not!’ to reverse their meaning. We even did it with elections, claiming we would definitely make Neil Kinnock prime minister before a loud, humorous ‘NOT!’ at the ballot box. You had to be there.

‘Take a chill pill’, 1994

‘Chill out’ crossed from the rave scene to grandparents almost immediately and hasn’t gone anywhere, but this? Means you grew up watching the original Beverly Hills, 90210 and haven’t moved past it. Gen Z would never say this because they take medication very seriously and would immediately check their Insta to find a chill pill dealer.

‘You go, girl!’, 1996

Showing your support for whatever mad thing your female friend wants to do next is a sentiment which remains eternal, but using late 90s slang to do it? Marks you out as the kind of person who could tell you which specific Friends episodes this was used in. Try ‘Yaas queen!’ instead. That’s only a bit old.

‘Let’s bounce’, 2004

Once a great way to announce your intent to leave, now replaced by the French Exit which, in an entirely non-xenophobic way, means leaving without saying a word then texting after to apologise and blame it on your anxiety. Which, to the youth of today, is not only courteous but cool and enviable.

‘Based’, 2012

Adopted by rapper Lil B, none of whose songs you’ve even heard of, ‘based’ meant being true to yourself, not being afraid of others judgment, doing what you want to do. It meant that for about two years then online right-wing arseholes took it to describe Jordan Peterson and his ilk. So it now means ‘right-wing arsehole’.