Man pleasantly surprised when ice lolly emerges from glory hole

A HOT, sweating man at a glory hole was genuinely thrilled to see an ice-cold Fruit Pastilles lolly poked through. 

Bill McKay, a closeted homosexual and HGV driver, entered the toilet cubicle at a Midlands service station feeling excited and horny but also somewhat overheated.

He said: “I had been looking forward to a mouthful of forbidden cock but it wasn’t until that fruity frozen treat slid between my lips that I realised I wanted it so much more.

“I gobbled it up like a lamb at feeding time. On a sweltering day like this, getting a five-segment sugary Rowntree’s lolly is far better than a dirty old dick.

“The man on the other side of the wall was grunting and groaning while I chomped away, having the time of his life. I’m not quite sure what was in it for him. I guess he’s just committed to others’ pleasure.

“By the end, when he withdrew the gnawed, dripping stick, I don’t mind admitting it was the greatest sexual experience of my life.”

He added: “I wonder what he’ll serve in winter. Maybe a piping-hot tightly-rolled Nutella crêpe?”

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Putin forced to hang out with spoddiest leader in world

VLADIMIR Putin is so unpopular he has been forced to pretend fat, spoiled nerd Kim Jong Un is his friend, it has emerged. 

Putin, who used to attend the G8 summits with cool world leaders like Obama and Blair, is now so shunned that he has no option but to invite the North Korean leader over to his house.

An aide said: “Jong Un’s personal hygiene is poor. All he wants to talk about is his train set. He shows you videos of when he had his uncle pulled apart by horses, while giggling.

“But there’s no-one else. Xi Jinping won’t be seen with him. The African countries all want a go on his oil reserves but call him a twat. It’s literally Jong Un or no-one.

“The first thing he makes you do is say he’s got a cool haircut. Then he tells you how many press-ups he did that morning, and the number’s usually ‘a million’, and makes you listen to a pop song he recorded yesterday ‘which is already People’s Republic number one!’

“Putin’s only meeting him for weapons, but Jong Un will be on about how he’s best friends with Michael Jordan, how he’s got the new Nintendo console that’s not even out yet and it’s mega, his father being a god, all that. It’s excruciating.

“At the end of it he’ll come back to Russia with a handful of ballistic missiles that aren’t anywhere near as good as they’re claimed to be. And take his humiliation out on Ukraine.”