Theresa May's guide to hanging on like an idiot

IT’S not just prime ministers who should never give up! Here are my tips for hanging on grimly in everyday life.

Job interviews

If you don’t get a job, ring the interviewer several times a day and ask them to reconsider. They will soon realise you’re exactly the sort of determined person they need on their team.

Asking someone out

I’m no relationship expert, but if someone refuses to go out with you, you should just keep asking them. Mindlessly repeating yourself has always worked brilliantly for me.

Keep ringing, texting and giving them inappropriately expensive gifts. If they start refusing to meet in person, leave them at their workplace or home. No one wants to go out with a ‘quitter’!


If you’ve lost most of your pieces, play on rather than resigning and ending the tedium. Something might come along, such as the game being declared void due to an earthquake.

Being pulled up by the police

Flatly refuse to get out of the car, provide any ID or give a breath test. The hapless officers won’t know what to do with a ‘bloody difficult’ person like you and will send you cheerily on your way.

Publishing a book

If your book has been rejected by 40 reputable publishers it is probably a work of genius. Keep making minor changes and resubmitting it, even if you are now in your 17th year of doing this.

Don’t forget you can always self-publish! There are still 200 copies of my own children’s book Clarence the Brave Brexit Cat on Amazon for £0.01.

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Strong and stable government to continue

THE UK has once again thanked the DUP for ensuring Britain has a strong and stable government.  

The plucky Northern Ireland minnows threw their weight behind the prime minister, allowing Britain continue to benefit from Theresa May’s steady hand.

Norman Steele, from Bolton, said: “Thank God. Where would we be without them? It’s hard to remember a time when we’d barely heard of them. But here they are, tireless servants of democracy.

“Without their intervention our political system would be in chaos, all certainties gone, broken beyond repair. But instead we have strength, stability, hope and above all Theresa May.”

He added: “A billion quid? Worth every penny.”