Theresa May's guide to never answering a single f**king question

ARE people constantly asking you annoying, awkward questions? Here are my foolproof ways of never giving a straight answer.

Waffle like a bastard

This is my favourite way of avoiding questions. In everyday life – perhaps in a flatshare scenario – you might use it as follows:

“Dave, did you eat all my fucking cheese?”

“Karen, I think we can both agree cheese is delicious. I absolutely share your commitment to cheese. Let me tell you about some of the cheeses I have eaten. Cheddar, Cheshire, brie, goat’s cheese, grated cheese…” [Continue until other person loses the will to live.]    

Cough as if you’re about to suddenly expire

My extended coughing fit at last year’s Tory conference was actually a cunning ruse to avoid divulging information about my incredibly shit policies. I felt I pulled it off brilliantly.

Slag off Labour instead

I like to avoid valid questions by making irrelevant criticisms of Labour, eg. “Yes, it’s impossible for a young couple to buy a house, but do we want to go back to the Winter of Discontent when you’d come home from work and find a family of rats watching your telly?”

If faced with a difficult real-life question like “Do you love me?” simply reply: “I think you’ve got to ask, would you prefer to be shagging Jeremy Corbyn? He probably keeps his Lenin cap on and says ‘Well done, comrade’ afterwards.”

Say ‘Let me be clear’

And then be as clear as a drunk mumbling in Sanskrit backwards with a mouth full of dry-roasted peanuts. Never fails to work on BBC journalists.

Dance like a wanker

A last resort but worth trying next time someone asks you a difficult question. Although probably not if the question is: “Have you been drinking tonight, madam?”

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Man who last had a fight in 1978 still reckons he could handle himself

A MAN whose last fight was at primary school against a smaller boy believes he still has what it takes if shit went down.

Office manager Tom Logan, 46, defeated schoolmate Martin Bishop 40 years ago, although the ‘fight’ involved little actual punching and was more of an ineffectual wrestling match.

Logan, however, is convinced that he has lost none of his combat skills in the ensuing years.

He said: “Fighting’s like riding a bike. Once you’ve done it once, you’re brilliant at it forever.

“I don’t go to the gym or do self-defence or boxing training like a lot of these muppets you get. I just rerun that fight over and over in my mind.

“If someone kicked off now I’d be straight in there like I was in 1978. I imagine it would be over something more serious than who’s the best character in Blake’s 7 though.

“And this time there’ll be no Mr Laverty the PE teacher coming over just as I was about to get him with a Chinese burn.”