Theresa May’s guide to never answering a single f**king question

ARE people constantly asking you annoying, awkward questions? Here are my foolproof ways of never giving a straight answer.

Waffle like a bastard

This is my favourite way of avoiding questions. In everyday life – perhaps in a flatshare scenario – you might use it as follows:

“Dave, did you eat all my fucking cheese?”

“Karen, I think we can both agree cheese is delicious. I absolutely share your commitment to cheese. Let me tell you about some of the cheeses I have eaten. Cheddar, Cheshire, brie, goat’s cheese, grated cheese…” [Continue until other person loses the will to live.]    

Cough as if you’re about to suddenly expire

My extended coughing fit at last year’s Tory conference was actually a cunning ruse to avoid divulging information about my incredibly shit policies. I felt I pulled it off brilliantly.

Slag off Labour instead

I like to avoid valid questions by making irrelevant criticisms of Labour, eg. “Yes, it’s impossible for a young couple to buy a house, but do we want to go back to the Winter of Discontent when you’d come home from work and find a family of rats watching your telly?”

If faced with a difficult real-life question like “Do you love me?” simply reply: “I think you’ve got to ask, would you prefer to be shagging Jeremy Corbyn? He probably keeps his Lenin cap on and says ‘Well done, comrade’ afterwards.”

Say ‘Let me be clear’

And then be as clear as a drunk mumbling in Sanskrit backwards with a mouth full of dry-roasted peanuts. Never fails to work on BBC journalists.

Dance like a wanker

A last resort but worth trying next time someone asks you a difficult question. Although probably not if the question is: “Have you been drinking tonight, madam?”