'They're just jealous of his pretty wife': Your gran's muddled view of Boris Johnson

EVER wondered why pensioners like your gran keep voting Tory? Here are some strange distortions of the facts a worrying number of older people seem to believe.

Johnson is responsible for the Covid vaccine

Scientists and health professionals did the actual work and Johnson just dressed up in a lab coat. His role in fighting Covid has as much medical value as going to your GP with agonising headaches, them giving you a free drug company biro, and you leaving with no treatment. And being completely satisfied with this.

People are jealous of him and Carrie

Your gran doesn’t understand politics, so she makes up nice, simple, bullshit explanations for things. Excess Covid deaths and lockdown rules are complicated, so it’s obvious Boris’s critics all want to marry young, pretty, blonde Carrie. Your gran would faint if you admitted to thinking she’s an awful, grasping Tory PR who sometimes resembles a frog with huge teeth.

He’s doing his best in difficult circumstances 

Your gran only watches BBC news, so she probably gets this generous view of Johnson from their studiously ‘balanced’ and uncontroversial coverage. Thus she believes the problems facing Johnson just spontaneously happened, like flash floods. Never mind that he’s a lazy bastard who brings more problems on himself and others than Homer f**king Simpson.  

Boris will take us back to the good old days

The good old days is a vague project to create an idyllic Britain with no teenagers, no drugs and no more than approximately 150 non-white people in the UK. No one ever makes any progress with it, because it’s bollocks, but the Tories and therefore Boris are indelibly associated with it. Even if a pathological liar and adulterer isn’t the best person to entrust with bringing back 1940s-style morals and decency.

Boris is standing up for Ukraine

Actually what happened is that Johnson saw a chance to act out his Churchill fantasies and – more importantly – claw back some popularity. It’s not his money, so Ukraine can have as many British missiles as they like. It would be interesting if Johnson had to pay, say, £1 of his own money towards each missile. It’s likely the Ukrainians would suddenly get a box of old Sten guns and some out-of-date field rations instead.

He’s one of us

An actual view expressed by some oldies. How a posh, completely self-interested, Eton-educated borderline sociopath is the friend of a pensioner from Rotherham is anyone’s guess. It’s like a sheep introducing a wolf to his flock saying ‘Don’t worry, Fang is one of us. That red stuff round his mouth is just Waitrose beetroot salad.’

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Dad being weirdly possessive over Kate Bush

A MAN whose son got into ‘Running Up That Hill’ after hearing it on Stranger Things is being weirdly possessive over having heard of Kate Bush first.

Tom Logan, 49, has been both oddly defensive and unpleasantly patronising ever since his son Oliver started enthusing over what Tom claims is his ‘favourite artist of all time’.

Oliver Logan, 16, said: “Dad heard me playing Kate Bush on Spotify and at first seemed excited that I like something he likes, because normally he listens to shit old people music like Oasis.

“But the more I listened, the weirder he got. He kept saying things like ‘I bought this on cassette from Woolworths when it came out in 1985’ and ‘Well, this is one of her more accessible tracks, but you wouldn’t like ‘Suspended in Gaffa’.

“I thought I’d get my own back by putting on Placebo’s version from 2003, but it was so hideous that we turned it off and pretended it had never happened.”

Tom Logan said: “Oliver may describe himself as a ‘superfan’ now, but we both know that if Kate was to choose which one of us to marry it would definitely be me.”