BOOKED a fancy festival? Convinced you’re the party animal of 20 years ago even though you’re sipping a Singapore sling in the poetry tent? Rock it like this:
Wear embarrassing headgear
Most days you dress like the token older contestant on The Apprentice. But fluff up your hair and adding flowers, face glitter and a ridiculous hat and it’ll be like you don’t drive a Range Rover Evoque. Add a beaded necklace and bang, permanent gap year!
‘Back to nature, man,’ you tell people as you look up at the stars, not mentioning you paid the extra £450 for a glamping yurt that comes with its own waffle maker. Close to nature, miles away from the hammered teenagers stumbling all over the cheap tents.
Claim to have heard of the bands
Only big festivals can afford the Radio 2 bands, so you’re stuck claiming that you definitely bought The Magic Numbers’ first album and you’re a massive Freya Ridings fan. Nod along in recognition to every track. Murmur ‘Bit of a deep cut, that one’.
Pretend to be interested in drugs
If you wanted to, you could do drugs. Anyone could have offered you drugs. They probably did but you’re wearing bifocals so didn’t realise. And you’d take them, even though the most anyone in your social circle is carrying is ibuprofen gel for their dodgy hip.
Shrug off the queue for the toilets
Real free spirits don’t care if they get a UTI or aching guts from festival food. Do what any true hippy would and pee in the grass, to prove you’re above all that square rule-abiding hygiene bollocks. Buy the wristband to use the fancy showers the morning after.
To prove you’re young, mosh hard to every band. That includes the acoustic set at 2pm when you’re next to a picnicking family feeding twin toddlers. The harder you jump, the more of a legend you’ll be, definitely not like your mum pissed at a wedding.