This isn't a fine, it's just a work-related letter, claims Johnson

BORIS Johnson is claiming a letter that is clearly a fine to any sane person is actually something entirely different and work-related.

The prime minister has decided his ‘partygate’ ploy of pretending he thought a party was actually a work event was worth another shot, despite it being unconvincing and pathetic.

Johnson told reporters: “Yes, the message says ‘FINE’, but it’s actually a message from Michael Gove saying ‘everything is FINE’. I can see how people might get confused.

“It’s actually a work thing about buying a new computer for Downing Street. That’s very boring so you won’t want to be looking at it in any detail. Let’s put it away now and talk about how I saved Ukraine the other day.”

Guardian journalist Donna Sheridan said: “I’m going to write about eight earnest articles pointlessly analysing whether Johnson is going to resign. Obviously he’s not.

“I doubt one more lie matters to Boris. It’s an insult to voters’ intelligence, or maybe they’re just thick and it’s not.” 

Johnson supporter Norman Steele said: “It’s obviously a work letter, and anyway I’ve decided that if Boris does it, lying is a really good laugh. Would you prefer Corbyn or something? I’d go for a pint with Bozza.

“All of which is a painfully roundabout way of saying I like Brexit and send the immigrants back.”

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Waving at people on boats, and other random shit Brits do for no reason

WE might ignore each other on trains, but we will cheer with wild abandon when a stranger drops a glass. Here are some of the other weird things Brits love to do:

Obsess over bins

No other nationality in the world cares quite so much about their bins. We will f**k up anyone who tries to move ours without permission and are so strangely possessive of them that we paint huge numbers on the sides to mark our territory. We’d probably piss on them like dogs too, if it wouldn’t get us arrested.

Wave at people on boats

There’s absolutely no reason for a grown adult to be delighted by a boat. Yet many of us will happily take a second out from being a miserable bastard to maniacally wave at people on a slightly unusual form of transport, and be absolutely thrilled if they see us and wave back.

Act like normal things are terribly naughty

Going for a bog-standard night out? Cheeky! Having a biscuit? Naughty! Entering a relationship? Oh, you dirty dog. We love to consider any normal activity in our bland little lives a hilarious act of deviance. And as for genuine acts of deviance? We blithely ignore those, especially if committed by an MP.

Cheer at smashed glass

There’s nothing more British than celebrating a minor mistake with the kind of cheer usually reserved for England getting through to the second round of the Euros before inevitably being knocked out. We think the failure of others is beautiful and couldn’t possibly let it go unnoticed, even though we detest anyone pointing it out when we f**k up ourselves.

Say hello to everyone on country walks

Brits have long mastered the art of politely ignoring each other. But in the great outdoors we feel obliged to bob our heads and say some mundane pleasantry to anyone passing us, as if we were simple rural folk on the way to help with the harvest, rather than city dwellers trudging back to the National Trust car park to get in our massive SUVs.