Sunday, 9th May 2021

Tories sure they won't regret whole day spent voting for evil

THE Conservatives are confident that an entire day spent voting to deprive the poor of food and money will not rebound on them in any way. 

Following a day of stripping their new Northern seats of economic support and schoolchildren of food over Christmas, Tory MPs reclined in wing-back chairs and sipped cognac safe in the knowledge their actions would be consequence-free. 

MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “I woke up this morning thinking: why do I feel so damn good? Then I remembered. 

“It’s been a long time since I felt this proud. Knowing that you’ve taken a stand against the media, against that Rashford lad, all to do the right thing and discourage a culture of dependency.  

“I’m so psyched I could just go out there and cut and cut until there isn’t a public service left. I haven’t felt like this since voting for the poll tax in 1988.

“The public? They don’t care about starving kids, or collapsed cities, or the second wave of coronavirus being deadlier than the first. As long as they get a no-deal Brexit, they’re happy.” 

Finch Hatton added: “Yes, nothing bad will come of us being drunk on our own power and boundless cruelty. I think I’ll move up to the Lords.”