Tory leadership candidates ranked from 'f**k no' to 'kill me now'

THE Conservative leadership race is on and the entire country will be the loser, because one of these bellends will be our next prime minister: 

Rishi Sunak

Miniature millionaire Sunak has created an economy so f**ked that only he can fix it with the aid of his wife, who pays no taxes because she hovers a metre above the ground.

Liz Truss

Dress-up doll Liz looks stunning in up to sixteen different outfits including Wing Commander Truss, Soviet Truss, Policewoman Truss, Gothic Truss and Brighton Beach Buggy Truss. Saving her policies as a post-election surprise.

Sajid Javid

Proud to have resigned from Johnson’s government not once but twice, Javid comes from humble origins which we’re going to hear about repeatedly. Brother Bas is a deputy assistant commissioner in the Met, which should come in handy.

Jeremy Hunt

Having taken the pandemic off so he could be rested and relaxed, former health minister Hunt’s party has moved so far right in his absence he might as well be Jeremy Corbyn.

Nadhim Zahawi

Planning to run on his strong record as chancellor since Wednesday, Zahawi is under investigation by HMRC for his tax affairs before even taking office, which seems great.

Penny Mordaunt

Popular with the public because they don’t know much about her. Once captained a ship, which is more impressive than anything she’s done since. Financial/sexual scandal to be released Wednesday.

Rehman Chishti

Very much the dark horse of the competition, Chishti has entered the competition to be the dark horse of the competition.

Suella Braverman 

Widely unknown, dauntingly right-wing and unafraid to break international law, Braverman is a Buddhist, which comes as a f**king surprise.

Grant Shapps

Shapps, the Man of a Thousand Faces, is currently the transport secretary presiding over train strikes and airport chaos with no clue what to do about either.

Kemi Badenoch

The only candidate with the Michael Gove seal of approval, as seen on processed ham, darknet fishscale cocaine and Nintendo games of the 1980s.

Tom Tugendhat

Outsider who hopes to be embraced by the public so his surname becomes a euphenism for wanking, as in ‘That’s my Zoom done, now for a Tugendhat.’

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What your favourite Marvel character says about the kind of dysfunctional loser you are 

DO you have a favourite Marvel character? Here’s what your choice says about the type of forlorn weirdo you are. 

Tony Stark/Iron Man – Wannabe tech bro

If you’re obsessed with eccentric billionaire Tony Stark, you probably also have a poster of Elon Musk on your bedroom wall. You think you’re a tech genius even though you’ve made several disastrous investments in novelty crypto-currencies called things like ‘JizzCoin’ and are, as a result, back living with your parents.

Thor – Closet fascist

If you’ve chosen a blond Nordic beefcake who chucks a hammer about as your favourite, you’re clearly some kind of neo-fascist. Forget characters that can teleport, make themselves invisible or fly: you’re most drawn to an Aryan in a cape straight out of Hitler’s dreams.

Captain America – Joe Rogan fanboy

You’re bitter that you live in an unglamorous Sheffield suburb as opposed to Manhattan and think that’s why you haven’t got a girlfriend. But, while you sit in a basement listening to Joe Rogan having a masturbatory conversation with Jordan Peterson for the 97th time, remember that if you had been born in America, you’d be just as much of a loser as you are now.

Wolverine – Secret furry

You tell people that you’re drawn to the backstory of this brooding character, or his incredible strength. In reality though, it’s because you’re a secret furry who’s sexually attracted to people dressing up as animals, and Wolverine is right in that sweet spot.

Spider-Man – Sad figurine collector

Your favourite Marvel character is as unimaginative as it could possibly be, you clichéd little nerd, and your house is no doubt filled with insanely expensive figurines that you dust obsessively. Nothing at all tragic about a man with several shelves full of dolls in their original packaging.

She-Hulk – Guilty masturbator

You fantasise about a large, muscly green woman kicking seven shades of shit out of you. There’s weird sexual kinks, and then there’s this. Good luck ever trying to explain this fetish to a partner, assuming you’re ever able to convince someone to have a relationship with you.