THE Conservative leadership race is on and the entire country will be the loser, because one of these bellends will be our next prime minister:
Miniature millionaire Sunak has created an economy so f**ked that only he can fix it with the aid of his wife, who pays no taxes because she hovers a metre above the ground.
Dress-up doll Liz looks stunning in up to sixteen different outfits including Wing Commander Truss, Soviet Truss, Policewoman Truss, Gothic Truss and Brighton Beach Buggy Truss. Saving her policies as a post-election surprise.
Proud to have resigned from Johnson’s government not once but twice, Javid comes from humble origins which we’re going to hear about repeatedly. Brother Bas is a deputy assistant commissioner in the Met, which should come in handy.
Having taken the pandemic off so he could be rested and relaxed, former health minister Hunt’s party has moved so far right in his absence he might as well be Jeremy Corbyn.
Planning to run on his strong record as chancellor since Wednesday, Zahawi is under investigation by HMRC for his tax affairs before even taking office, which seems great.
Popular with the public because they don’t know much about her. Once captained a ship, which is more impressive than anything she’s done since. Financial/sexual scandal to be released Wednesday.
Very much the dark horse of the competition, Chishti has entered the competition to be the dark horse of the competition.
Widely unknown, dauntingly right-wing and unafraid to break international law, Braverman is a Buddhist, which comes as a f**king surprise.
Shapps, the Man of a Thousand Faces, is currently the transport secretary presiding over train strikes and airport chaos with no clue what to do about either.
The only candidate with the Michael Gove seal of approval, as seen on processed ham, darknet fishscale cocaine and Nintendo games of the 1980s.
Outsider who hopes to be embraced by the public so his surname becomes a euphenism for wanking, as in ‘That’s my Zoom done, now for a Tugendhat.’