Trump bringing bezzie mate Putin to UK

PRESIDENT Trump has invited Vladimir Putin to come with him to Britain when he visits next month because he “knew we wouldn’t mind”.

Trump claims the invite is a good idea because it will stop him getting bored and he and Putin can dick around while sightseeing in London.

He said: “You ever talk to Theresa May? Tremendously uninteresting. Really tremendously uninteresting. Doesn’t golf.

“But Putin, now there’s a guy you can have fun with. I can just see us on top of a sightseeing bus shouting ‘Call this a capital city, asshats?’ and throwing fries at people.

“Vlad – he’s Vlad, I’m Donny – will be coming to all my official engagements with the Queen and those guys so there’ll be someone on my wavelength. Y’know, who’ll do an armpit fart if things really drag.

“Hey, you know what? Maybe we’ll invite Kim too. The whole pussy posse tearing down olde London town. It’ll be incredible.”

Theresa May said: “As ever, I will continue to pretend this is a good idea.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

We never had all these iPhones in my day, says man glued to his f**king iPhone

A MIDDLE-AGED man has taken time out from glancing constantly at his phone to complain about the younger generation being fixated with theirs.

Plumber Roy Hobbs, 55, fears for the mental health of young people constantly staring at their tiny screens, as he explained in a distracted way while using a variety of apps.

Looking up occasionally from a punt he made on the Betfair website, Hobbs said: “It’s like something out of a sci-fi film, the way youngsters are constantly – hang on, Facebook friend request.

“My theory is that their attention spans have been totally ooh Fruit Ninja update!

“My generation was too busy doing things in the real world like inventing punk or protesting against Thatcher, as I was just pointing out on BBC comments about young people and their phones.”

Hobbs then rambled for 15 minutes about youngsters “retreating from reality”, but his exact point was unclear due to him simultaneously playing Minecraft