Truss announces plan to develop normal facial expression by December

LIZ Truss has confirmed that she hopes to develop a facial expression which is not deeply unnerving by December. 

Pictured on today’s front pages celebrating the achievement of a lifetime ambition with the face of a woman smiling through a cigarette burn, work has already begun to achieve something recognisable to actual humans.

A Downing Street insider said: “400 civil servants have been pulled off whatever else they were working and onto this. It may not be enough.

“The problem is that she views emotion as weakness so she neither feels anything nor publically expresses it. All she really does is pull faces like a chimp in front of a mirror, and it shows.

“There’s a team working full-time on trying to get her to talk out of both sides of her face, another one trying to eliminate the head-tilt, but facial expressions is the real job. Our target is a smile by Christmas and sympathetic sadness by March, when the deaths come.

“They’ve committed £6 billion already, but apparently the spend’s bottomless for this one. Will it work? Of course it won’t. It’s a massive public-funded Tory project, they never do.”

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Six Disney characters that made you grow up to be an arsehole

DID you love Disney as a kid? Have you absorbed the House of Mouse’s moral lessons completely the wrong way? Are you as loathsome as these pricks? 

Social media’s Cruella de Vil

Obessed with standing out, you’re always strutting about wearing faux fur and a Gothic hairdo, judging others, dishing out sneers, believing yourself to be the main character while the room mutters ‘f**k off’. You’ve dedicated your life to chasing 101 Instagram likes.

The Syndrome of the pub quiz

Modelling yourself on the Incredibles villain, you are the nerd who discovered Kate Bush before she was on Stranger Things. Who recognises every Marvel cameo and lets the whole cinema know. The insufferable know-it-all gatekeeper of every possible fandom who lords it over the Duke of Wellington pub quiz. Everyone hates you.

Sheffield’s Gaston

With sleek ponytail and bicep-hugging shirt, you’re the pulling machine in all Sheffield’s grimiest student bars. The misplaced bravado of Wayne Lineker is yours as your character arc moves from local lothario to Ibiza Weekender to Love Island to Ex On The Beach. You’ve taught so many girls that you are the real monster, it’s a public service.

The Zazu of your regional office

Charged with keeping order, puffed up with your own authority, making pompous little puns nobody enjoys, and ultimately presiding over total disaster while taking no responsibility for it whatsoever. And somehow you still keep your job.

The Snow White of Epping Forest

Obsessed with your own beauty and supported by the hard work of all the other students in your houseshare, who fancy you. You sleep all day and are waited on hand and foot while waiting for a prince to free you from the glass coffin of your Sports Science degree. ‘Prince’ defined as he has a Rolex and Range Rover but still lives with his mum.

Politics’s Prince Ali

Yes, you may be rich now, but you began as nothing but a street rat! You’re the one talking truth to power, with your parents’ pharmacy business and your marriage to Prince Jasmine! You should be the ruler of all the kingdom! Didn’t f**king happen though, did it, Rishi?