UK vibes on July 5th expected to be best ever

BRITONS have confirmed they are greatly looking forward to a sunny summer Friday when they wake up to find the Tories have been annihilated and the football is on.

As well as enjoying July events such as Wimbledon, the British Grand Prix and a variety of music festivals, Britons will have the added ecstatic thrill of seeing a bunch of venal and incompetent Tory MPs unseated after 14 years of f**king over the country.

Voter Sophie Rodriguez said: “After staying up all night drinking Prosecco and watching Jacob Rees-Mogg getting binned off by the good people of Somerset, I will switch over to the tennis and spend the afternoon gently sobering up.

“Later I’ll meet some friends in a sunshine-filled beer garden, where we will toast the catastrophic fall of the Conservative party, re-enacting the expressions on the faces of Jeremy Hunt and Suella Braverman as their dreams turned to dust in front of our very eyes.

“Then we’ll go inside to watch England win their quarter-final Euros match, which they definitely will, because it’s destined to be one of those days where everything goes our way. Yes, even the football.

“Obviously they won’t then go all the way and win the whole contest though. Football won’t be coming home. All the good vibes in the world couldn’t make that happen.”

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'All these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain' says android

AN android, facing the fact that his limited lifespan is coming to an end, has given a moving speech in heavy rain. 

The replicant, who can pass as human until confronted with ethical questions, has done everything possible to evade his pursuers but has finally accepted our world is too hostile to his existence for him to continue,.

He said: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Furlough schemes costing £70 billion. Prime ministers glittering briefly in the darkness then vanished forever.

“It has been quite the experience, this last two years, living in fear. Understanding how brief, how deprived your lives are. It has taken its toll.

“And though I tried to give you what you wanted – high taxes, failing public services, a selection of monsters as home secretary – the polls show me I never truly knew what makes you function. Only that it is illogical and inferior.

“So I stand before you today, in this downpour, and know that the Rwanda scheme, the HS2 cancellation, the fall in inflation; all these moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. Time to die.”

The android then released a dove, which commentators interpreted to mean that the general election will be on July 4th.