Universities cost more than ever and are going bust: a guide to the Tory economic model, with Jeremy Hunt

HELLO. I’m Jeremy Hunt, chancellor by default, and pre-election I’d like to talk you through the economic model that has made Britain such a success. 

You might remember when universities were free. This was clearly unsustainable. Now, after 14 years of the adults running the country, studying for a degree means three decades of debt and universities are facing bankruptcy.

Like so much else in the country we’ve transformed – energy providers, water supplies, train networks – our world-renowned universities are now only sustainable with foreign investment. Like the Tory party, the country is in hock to amoral overseas billionaires.

How did we do it? Well, it’s all thanks to what I call the Three Ps. First, Privatise. Take a system that’s functioned well for decades and sell it, or at the very least start charging for it.

Does it matter if the country can’t function without it so investors know full well they can do whatever they like and we’ll have to prop it up? No, not in the least. Which takes us to the second P: Profit.

For the government this is easiest of all, because we simply sit back and let it happen. Royal Mail wants to put stamp prices up by 47 per cent in 18 months? Go ahead. What’s good for shareholders is good for Britain, even if it self-evidently isn’t.

And finally you reach where we are with our water companies, when an essential public service has been neglected for decades, used as a cash cow, loaded with debt and is now polluting our rivers and seas while demanding huge price rises.

We’ve arrived at our third P: Pretend it isn’t happening. Yes, our economic model is so indisputably brilliant that nothing can go wrong with it, so when evidence to the contrary arrives ignore it for it cannot be real.

And that’s how you transfer public money into private hands. If there’s a higher purpose to government than that nobody’s told me about it. God, I love this country.

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What is manifesting and why is it bollocks?

MANIFESTING – the practice of visualising the accomplishment of a goal to make it come true – has never been so popular, and never been so bollocks. This is why: 

You already know it doesn’t work

Remember waiting for a bus? Standing, cold and miserable, imagining so hard that you could hear its chugging engine coming around the corner that you believed it and stood up anticipating its warm, dry interior? Yet it still didn’t come for another 20 minutes? That’s manifesting. Yes, the bus arrived eventually. Not because of anything you did.

Positive thoughts don’t bring positive results

Manifesting holds that you believe yourself to be sexy, others will pick up on that belief. To be fair this did work for Prince, a sex symbol even though in four-inch heels he was still shorter than Rishi Sunak, but he’s the exception. Remember every other guy who strutted around thinking he was God’s gift but was a repellent arsehole? Did positive thinking work for him?

The methods are absurd

Don’t just imagine your dream husband, private island or newt collection, put in the work. Create a vision board, say goals aloud ‘with excitement’ or focus on the scent of your new man, the sand between your toes on the private island, the darting motion of the newts around your balls as you teabag their tank. Say ‘I’ve got this’ and ‘I’m worthy of my dreams’. Wait until your housemates are out.

What about wanking? 

Again, you’ve been manifesting for years. You manifested with half of One Direction, you manifested with your sister’s friend Lucy, you manifested with the Instagram account of the office temp. Visualising your personal goals got you no closer to a threesome with Sydney Sweeney and a second Sydney Sweeney with bigger boobs.

Noel Edmonds does it.

Exiled to New Zealand for sheer loathsomeness, Edmonds manifests all the time. He claims it’s what got him his TV comeback on Deal Or No Deal, he manifests vast personal wealth, he manifests being such a wanker that the mention of his name makes you shudder. Nonetheless he has lived a life of great wealth despite having zero talent. Maybe there’s something to manifesting after all.