Venn diagram of Covid deniers, paedo obsessives and twats overlaps perfectly

PEOPLE who believe Covid is a hoax also believe Keir Starmer covered up Jimmy Savile’s crimes and are twats, scientists have found.

By presenting the statistics as a Venn diagram, the Institute for Studies discovered that anti-vaxxers, paedo-hunters and wankers were a single group of morons who cannot comprehend simple shit.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “This could completely change the way society treats angry simpletons who’ve all stumbled into believing the same bollocks.

“We’re not trying to understand them better – they’re just twats – but we could divert their energies away from harmful activities like hounding Keir Starmer and writing embarrassing songs about Covid.

“The same people who believe in ancient aliens also believe in satanic abuse also believe in microchipped vaccines. They’re clearly out there looking for mad shit to put their faith in.

“I suggest giving them a whole new set of implausible conspiracies to waste their lives on. For example, Peppa Pig is based on a real porcine-human hybrid created ‘the scientists’ to turn the population into bacon.

“I made that bullshit up on the spot just like Boris Johnson does at the despatch box. Bet you it’ll fly.”

Paedophile-hater Wayne Hayes said: “Edible pig-humans grown in test tubes doesn’t surprise me after Covid. You can bet Ted Heath’s got something to do with it. I’d better alert Facebook.”

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Five world-shaking events you missed because you couldn't be arsed watching the Brits

MISS a momentous cultural event that rocked the nation by not seeing the Brit Awards last night? Here are the astonishing events we’ll never forget:

A f**king annoying presenter

Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox launched the modern Brits by being shit, but they were inept not irritating. Last night Mo Gilligan shouted like Mike Reid on Runaround before doing an impression of Liam Gallagher so painful it gave you the unfamiliar sensation of wanting to see actual Liam Gallagher.

Two unlikely performers do a shit duet

The dire pairings at the Brits are legendary: Olly Murs and Rizzle Kicks, Texas and Method Man, Rihanna and f**king Klaxons. Tonight offered the aural and visual misery of the world’s most basic bitch Ed Sheeran teaming up with metalcore group Bring Me The Horizon. Both emerged lessened.

Someone falls over

Madonna tripped over her massive cape at the 2015 Brit Awards, and it rocked. Last night Anne-Marie paid tribute and it was the best bit of her performance as well. Doing away with the songs entirely for tumbling slapstick could up viewing figures.

Some rock bloke sang a song that could be from any point over two decades

You know the drill. Nasal singing that’s tune-adjacent at best. Keeping his coat on indoors. Nondescript men with guitars in the background. Boring song. It could be any year since 1998 when Oasis went to shit.

Adele bellows a mid-tempo song about her feelings

Sitting in front of a glittery backdrop like the facade of a Northern nightclub circa 1986, Adele sang ‘I Drink Wine’, the 3,236th song she’s written about her sad, sad feelings. Most Britons are now more in touch with Adele’s feelings than their own. She also won everything, like she needs to.