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We ask you: with inflation only four per cent, can anything stop a Conservative election landslide?

WITH inflation remaining at four per cent, just double the target, for the second month running have the Tories got the next election in the bag? 

Josh Gardner, professional trainer: “That’s two out of five pledges fulfilled now. They’re unbeatable. It’s not possible to do any better than that.”

Hannah Tomlinson, student: “With inflation at only four per cent stuff’s only going to cost four per cent more year-on-year when nobody’s got any money and public services are collapsing, so the feel-good factor will be incredible.”

Francesca Johnson, brand manager: “Now they’re doing so well it really is time they got back to bitter, factional infighting. I for one could go another couple of prime ministers before November.”

Denys Finch Hatton, Telegraph leader writer: “One weekend of speculative articles about bringing Boris back and now this? Cannot be coincidence.”

Steve Malley, joiner: “I dunno, I still feel like everything being broken and costing more could sway me to vote Labour, but I accept I’m an extreme outlier.”

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How to not know Israel even exists: A guide for Labour party candidates

STANDING for election for Labour? Could you trash your party’s chances by opening your mouth and letting Zionist conspiracy theories flow out? Forget the the country even exists:

Switch your obsession

Every nerve in your body is screaming for you to speak up about Palestine, and also air some long-held prejudices, but don’t. Settle on a different field of conflict, like the insurgency in southern Nigeria or the war in Sudan, and you could say anything because nobody knows enough to get upset. Nobody even knows where Sudan is.

Purge your mind of Israel

Six-pointed star? That’s just two overlapping triangles to you. Benjamin Netanyahu? What a fun name that is to say, who is he? A conflict that’s been dragging on for decades with massive loss of life which everyone is powerless to stop? Doesn’t ring a bell. If anyone would like to talk about Ukraine, you’re available.

Don’t even glance in that direction

The near-East, for example East Anglia, is fine. The Far East you’ll talk about forever, and exactly why is it that the government has made no progress on a trade deal with China? The Middle East? You overlook it, so consequently have no comment to make to a right-wing press realising the reason the Tories won the last election was Corbyn.

Stay off the subject of Judaism and America

Unfortunately the linkages between these subjects are permanent in certain left-wing minds: yank one and they all jingle. So do your best not to comment on American foreign policy or a certain religion which pre-dates Christianity, because before you know it you’ve trotted out a provably false claim about 9/11 and your career is flat f**ked.

Sustain a head injury

If all of the above is hardwired in and you can’t have a private conversation without suddenly blurting ‘Rothschilds!’, try to suffer a massive cranial trauma. Slam your head in a car door or let off a starting gun behind a horse and soon all coherent thought will be beyond you. Though even after a seven-year-coma your first words will be ‘free Palestine’.

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