Wednesday, 3rd June 2020

We call her 'dickhead' to her face and she does nothing, cabinet confirms

THE cabinet have confirmed that they openly refer to Theresa May as ‘the dickhead’ in meetings and she acts like she has not heard.

Work and pensions minister Amber Rudd, speaking under conditions of strict anonymity, admitted that nobody has referred to May by name since December and the abuse is getting worse.

She said: “Normally when she starts on her ‘This is the only deal that honours the blah blah blah’ we just talk over her. Because why would you listen?

“Last week Jeremy Hunt was kicking a football around the cabinet meeting room. Then Michael Gove threw a glass of water in her face just to see if she’d react. She didn’t.

“It’s not even a big deal now when one of us says ‘shut the fuck up, cretin’ to her. It’s like saying ‘hello’.

“When she started to talk about the budget, Phil Hammond just covered her with pages of the Daily Telegraph until we couldn’t see her. It was terrible, but I laughed along with everyone else.

“There’s talk of bringing eggs and flour in today, which I’m uneasy about. But I won’t actually try to stop it and I’ll probably join in.”