We knew Michelle Mone's PPE would be shit based on her bras, say women

WOMEN could have told you Baroness Mone’s PPE would be overpriced and unusable because the same went for her bras. 

Following the Tory peer’s leave of absence from the House of Lords to fight allegations of making millions from faulty PPE, women who had the misfortune to wear Ultimo bras have asked if they can have an inquiry of their own.

Susan Traherne said: “Her, selling stuff to protect you from Covid? She couldn’t even protect you from an underwire skewering your boob mid-meeting. I speak from experience.

“If the PPE had the same quality control as the Ultimo range the nurses would have been struggling to keep their tits in, never mind the novel coronavirus out.

“I imagine the PPE looked nice in the shop. Perhaps it was bought for the NHS by a husband who didn’t really understand the practicalities required and whose head was bamboozled by unlikely fantasies. Matt Hancock for example.

“But £122m of gowns in storage, never used because they didn’t work? Sounds exactly like the 60 quid of useless Ultimo shoved at the back of my knicker drawer.”

She added: “Could M&S not have had a crack at PPE?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Organised man finishes Christmas shopping for himself

AN organised man has already purchased all of his Christmas gifts to himself, he has confirmed. 

With weeks still to go, Tom Booker has made a strong start on the season of giving by picking up everything he had his eye on treating himself to.

Booker said: “It’s idiotic leaving Christmas shopping until the last minute. The shops might have sold out out of what I knew I wanted and I’d have never forgiven myself.

“That’s why I beat the rush last week by picking up everything on my list: carbon-fiber golf clubs, a Playstation 5, a drone I’ll inevitably break by Boxing Day, a few twelve packs of Amstel, the works.

“It only took a few hours on Amazon, and I’m glad I put the effort in early. Now I can take it easy and enjoy the Christmas spirit for the next few weekend, rather than have it nagging away at me, spoiling my drinking.

“There’s still my wife, the kids, my sister, mum and dad, a couple of mates and Secret Santa to get. But they don’t need anywhere need as much thought and effort. I’ll mainly do vouchers so they can pick stuff up cheap in the sales.

“Bosh, job done for another year.”