THE government has confirmed that the Sue Gray report cannot be released until the novelisation of the movie of the adaptation of the stage musical is complete.
The heavily-redacted report is expected to reach Downing Street shortly, but insiders claim that for the public’s own good it must remain under wraps until production begins on the movie version.
Nadine Dorries, the Salacious Crumb of the cabinet, said: “I’ve seen the original material. It’s dry. With the anticipation that’s out there if we release this it’ll be a total flop.
“So we’ve called in screenwriters to punch it up, really create a throughline and fix the third act, and then we’ll go to Hollywood and make deals. I’m thinking Owen Wilson as Boris, Jamie Lee Curtis as me?
“While principal photography’s going on we’ll cast and rehearse the musical, then I’ll write the novelisation with material not in the movie or the show, and then we’ll release them all simultaneously and the public will realise the parties were no big deal.
“When will they come out? Well, movies take time. Look how long it’s been between Avatar and the sequels. But definitely before 2030.”
Former Tory voter Tom Logan said: “You go ahead. Take as long as you like. Much as you might want it to, my fury at your selfish twat behaviour isn’t going anywhere.”
