I AM proud to announce we have successfully landed a SpaceX rocket on the – what? That’s not Mars? You have to be f**king shitting me. 

It’s all big in the telescope and everything! And it’s red! Oh, there’s a filter on? Whoever put that there is fired. I didn’t do it. I don’t even know how those buttons work and I didn’t press any.

I asked you for a manned mission to Mars, I microdosed, I went on X to amplify white supremacist voices in the UK, I microdosed a little bit more, I may have dozed off, I woke up and I assumed it was happening.

Okay, well a landing on the moon is still excellent. We’ve beaten the US government and the Chinese. Who’s on the rocket? All white men I hope.

It crashed? Somebody’s ass is getting sued, probably NASA. They should not be letting our spaceships crash. Mandatory screenings of Apollo 13.

What you’re outlining to me sounds like a share-price disaster. No Mars, crash-landing, SpaceX looking incompetent merely because it leaves rockets five storeys high drifting uncontrolled in orbit with every launch. We have to save this.

Lucky I’m a genius. ‘SpaceX has made the first planned Mars landing as scheduled. Places on rockets available for $55m per person, survival guaranteed.’ Send tweet. 800m likes. Now off to Grok for some porn.