Welcome to my mid-life crisis, by Matt Hancock

2nd November 2022

GOOD day, Britain. I’m Matt Hancock, your former health secretary, and I’d like you all to attend my mid-life crisis.

Yes, when male politicians reach a certain age – I’m 44 but my hair’s receding – they suffer the same worries as any man. Where’s my sports car? Can I get a younger girlfriend? Could I still forge a career as an international DJ?

And, after guiding you all through the Covid crisis safe and sound, give or take a couple of hundred thousand, then being filmed going at my intern like a £100 Dualit coffee grinder, I felt I deserved a classic crisis.

I’ve left the wife and kids. Done. I’m with a new bird and gush on about how in love we are unstoppably and insensitively, given the wife and kids. Done.

I’ve given up my ambitions for my old career. All my old workmates avoid me and Rishi wouldn’t even throw the Mattster a handshake. Done. So what’s next?

Well, remember the daily briefings? Their ratings? It wasn’t Whitty that had the nation rapt. I’m TV catnip. I’m going in there, baring my soul, flirting with the girl from Love Island, forming an unexpectedly strong bond with Boy George and yes, eating exotic anus.

This is the relaunch. This is the new me. The nation will see my sleeve tattoos, hear me playing my self-penned tracks on guitar, listen to my philosophies. I’ll easy be King of the Jungle. Gina and Matt will be the new Katie and Peter.

It’s going to be the greatest mid-life crisis of all time, and I’ll be doing it in front of the whole country. Tune in, Britain. You’re about to find out who the Mack Daddy is. The Matt Daddy. Matt. Me. Does that work?

Seven film and TV sidekicks who never got a shag

2nd November 2022

THE heroes of films and TV invariably have a love interest to shag at the end. Not so their trusty sidekicks. Here are some doomed to involuntary celibacy by the script.

Chewbacca

Not once did Chewie get a shag. To make matters worse, he was probably smitten with Leia because everyone was, but she was banging Han in the cabin next door. Later on all his friends die and all he’s got is a medal for a space battle 45 years ago. God, the Star Wars universe was rough on Chewie.

Mr Spock

JJ Abrams mangled the character, but prior to this Spock is sexless while Kirk shags half the universe. He’s briefly lined up for an arranged marriage, but that requires a fight to the death with Kirk, in a psychologically weird episode. Finally smokin’ hot Vulcan Saavik shows up in The Wrath of Khan, but there’s a big age difference. The duvet in Spock’s quarters must have been rock hard.

The Dwarfs

Snow White gets her handsome prince, the dwarfs get… back to sleeping in a fart-filled room with other men. It’s possible that a brothel has sprung up nearby, as often happens with mining operations, but seeing the dwarfs have drunken fights and contract VD would have made Walt Disney’s cartoon somewhat less magical.

The modern Ben Whishaw version gets a sex life, but Desmond Llewelyn’s Q spent 36 years in a laboratory while James Bond bedded beautiful women. Would it have killed Bond to introduce Q to a few single ladies? It’s a bit demeaning but would have worked occasionally, like being a professional footballer’s talentless mate from school.

Tonto

Admittedly the Lone Ranger isn’t a big shagger but he does get a love interest in the film. Not so Tonto, who’s just there for Lone to talk to. He truly has suffered at the hands of the white man.

George Cowley

In The Professionals Bodie and Doyle are shag monsters, to the point where the sexism starts to grind the viewer down. No such luck for George Cowley, who probably went home alone for a grim 1970s meal of Findus chicken curry crispy pancakes and Smash, washed down with a bottle of Scotch.

Obi-Wan Kenobi

He’s good-looking, he’s high up in the Jedi Order and he’s got his own spaceship. It’s no wonder Obi-Wan is the most conspicuously single film character ever. He really should have tried it on with Padme. He deserved some happiness for putting up with Anakin’s whiny crap. Audiences would have been on their feet applauding.

(If you’re furiously thinking ‘But what about Satine Kryze?’ you are way too into the Star Wars Extended Universe and probably also single.)