What Labour will take from your house to pay for their manifesto

LABOUR’S election manifesto means they will take the things you love from your home and sell them to raise money. Here’s an item-by-item guide.

Five per cent public sector pay rise, paid for by taking YOUR SOFA
Nurses, doctors, teachers and social workers will get more money, at the cost of you having nowhere to sit. They’ll be laughing it up while you and your wife squat miserably on upturned crates, the pattern cutting into your buttocks. 

Tuition fees abolished, paid for by taking YOUR KETTLE
It’s a free ride for students and no more hot drinks for you. Instead of settling down with a steaming cuppa, you’ll be sipping a cold Vimto on a freezing night while they go to Ibiza foam parties and pass ridiculous motions about everyone being transsexual. And you’re paying. 

Nationalising the railways, paid for by taking YOUR CAR
You’ll be trudging to work through six miles of rain and mud while they speed past on trains, laughing at you, throwing peanuts and shouting ‘dance, monkey’. And you’ve still got to make all the remaining car payments. 

Free full-fibre broadband, paid for by taking ALL YOUR CLOTHES
Crofters on the Isle of Skye will be able to stream the new Coldplay album, watch Netflix and masturbate to high-definition pornography. But you? Shivering in a corner and going to the office in thin coverings you’ve fashioned yourself from staples and bin bags. 

Care for the elderly, paid for by taking YOUR PRECIOUS SENTIMENTAL TRINKETS
Grandfather’s watch. Mother’s jewellery. A photo album of your uncle’s Navy years, worth nothing financially but the world to you. Do you want Momentum thugs to kick down your door and take the lot? Because that’s what will happen if you vote Labour.

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Woman struck with amnesia immediately after being given directions

A WOMAN has a mysterious mental condition that causes her to forget directions immediately after being given them.

Whenever Donna Sheridan asks for directions to a pub or train station, as soon as she walks away her mind goes completely blank. 

Sheridan said: “It’s strange because I can remember names, appointments and totally useless stuff like the name of the dog that won Crufts, but my brain is unable to retain directions.  

“I nod and thank people for their help, but inside I know they lost me at ‘left at the whatever’. Then I can’t go back and ask them again without looking mental.

“However I do have the same problem when someone starts telling me about their plans to build an extension. Or their kids. Or the time they went travelling in Australia.

“Maybe it’s not me at all. Maybe people are just not memorable enough.”