Where's that twat Cameron these days? asks entire UK

THE deepening Brexit crisis has made Britons wonder what has become of the pink-faced Etonian who caused it in the first place.

With negotiations in chaos and Britain’s economy predicted to nosedive to roughly Albanian levels, the public had expected to hear a little more about it from the former PM.

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “I would like to think Mr Cameron is slumped in the study of his country retreat, gaunt with remorse and shrunk to five stone in weight.

“I imagine him rocking back and forth in his chair, endlessly repeating ‘I ruined Britain. Dear god, I ruined Britain.’ Finally he says, ‘Bring me a glass of whisky and a revolver.’

“However I have a much stronger suspicion he is sitting on a beach playing Fruit Ninja.”

Tory MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “All that David did was panic over UKIP, call a badly planned referendum, cock it up spectacularly then sneakily bugger off. I blame Gordon Brown.”

Cameron said: “I suppose I could apologise but I’m busy with tiffin and later I have to muck around with a horse before doing some serious chillaxing, so… nah.”

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The manipulative bastard's guide to putting people on the spot

ARE you always asking people for hugely annoying favours like driving you to Heathrow at 3am or helping you move your incredibly heavy furniture to a new flat?

If so, you’ve probably noticed they sometimes try to get out of it. Here’s how to put them on the spot and make them do exactly what you want.

Pile on the guilt

Reel off a list of any recent upsets or personal tragedies. Maybe your uncle died, or your goldfish. Be as pathetic as possible.

Also remind them of any favours you’ve done them, even if they’re in no way comparable, eg. “Yes, I know it’s a pain putting up my weird friend I met in a chat room for 10 days, but I did once lend you an umbrella.”

Ailments are also good. What kind of monster would say ‘no’ to you after you’ve just gone on blood pressure tablets? That’s practically murder.

Ask in front of people

Make sure there’s an audience to put pressure on the other person to look kind and decent, even if your request is pretty fucking unreasonable.

If asking them online, copy others into your message or mention it on their Facebook wall. In real life bring a small child who will burst into tears if they say no. (If you don’t have any children just borrow one and bribe them with cheap chocolate.)

This will immediately ensure they do things like look after your cat at short notice while you have a bargain week in Spain.

Do your research

If you’re hassling someone to do something on a specific date, scope out their schedule in advance. You can do this by checking Facebook, asking their loved ones or hacking into their Google calendar.

If, for example, you want a friend to be basically an unpaid slave at a party you’re organising, make sure they have no prior commitments preventing them from dealing with sausage rolls while you gaily socialise.

That way if they try to fob you off by saying they’re busy you can safely call them out for being a devious, conniving bastard.

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