Who is the new Chancellor of the Exchequer? No f**king idea

BRITAIN has a new Chancellor of the Exchequer, second only in power to the prime minister. But who is he? No f**king clue whatsoever. 

His name is Rishi Sunak

No, not ringing any bells. Not even in an era when any backbench gobsh*te with provocative views on Brexit can build a national media profile, for example, full-time idiot Mark Francois.

He was made chief secretary to the Treasury last July

Didn’t hear about that. Is this like when Chelsea fire their manager and promote the assistant manager way beyond any of their previous experience because really the chairman’s picking the team? 

He likes Star Wars, Coca-Cola and Southampton FC

These are not characteristics that make a person stand out in a crowd, much less qualifications to take over control of the finances of the UK. 

He’s a household name in India

This is like pop acts claiming to be ‘big in Japan’. It fails to be impressive, and is most likely untrue.

He’s a Brexiter living in a Georgian mansion in North Yorkshire

Common among Conservative Brexiters in government, but not exactly representative of ordinary Brexiters. Some of whom may not necessarily be keen on him for… reasons. 

He supports Boris Johnson in all things and will never challenge him

Ah. He is the perfect Chancellor for a new government, a new decade and a new era of soaring British influence and prosperity. Until he isn’t and gets sacked and was rubbish all along. 


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No one who uses 'tears of joy' emoji worth knowing

ANYONE who uses the ‘tears of joy’ emoji is not worth your time or attention, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found the emoticon is exclusively used by simpletons, sarcastic morons and people who post things on the internet for the sake of it.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Just look at its stupid chuckling face. If you use it in any form of communication, either ironically or not, you don’t deserve to draw breath.

“Traditionally this little yellow fool has been a favourite with passive-aggressive mums on WhatsApp and middle-aged blokes with Union Jacks in their Twitter bios. Do you really want to be like them?

“It’s unlikely that they’re actually crying with laughter, as 80 per of its use is criticising someone who disagrees with them. 

“Maybe some really are hooting uncontrollably at a gif of a toddler looking confused. Who knows with these idiots? Cut them out of your life immediately.”

Tears of joy user Tom Booker texted ‘Tell us how you really feel mate!’, followed by the emoji 15 times, as if that was clever.