Who's more popular, nurses and ambulance drivers or your Tory government mates? By Steve Barclay

YESTERDAY I accused striking NHS staff of consciously choosing to inflict harm on patients. I’m here to tell you why it was definitely a foolproof way of getting people to vote Tory again.

Because who does the public like more? Hardworking nurses who save their lives and offer comfort and care in frightening times, or a bunch of corrupt, freeloading bastards who have gleefully shafted the NHS?

That’s right, they like us better. We’re the goodies. Just ask ex-editor of The Sun Kelvin Mackenzie who called ambulance drivers ‘vile shitbags’ for wanting a fair wage and safe working conditions. Does The Sun have a history of attacking innocent people and generally being a stain on the UK? I don’t think so.

Britons agree that refusing to negotiate makes us tough like Phil Mitchell, rather than petty dickheads who could have stopped the strike before it got to this point. And they certainly don’t think the reason the NHS is on its knees is 12 years of Conservative mismanagement.

No, they wish they could take back all that clapping they did during Covid and tell health workers to pull their fingers out and stop being snowflakes. So what if they’ve had a real terms pay cut? So has everyone else. Well, except politicians. But we’re more important than you.

As health secretary, I know everything there is to know about health, just like I knew everything about treasure when I was treasury secretary a couple of years ago. I definitely know more than a nurse with a degree and years of experience.

And the bottom line is that people who do life-saving work don’t need more money, they just need to be grateful they’ve got a job in the first place. Voters will thank me for my hardline attitude at the ballot box, won’t you? You’d better, or I’ll find a way to privatise the f**k out of you too.

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'Why do you make a mockery of me?' asks dog given pyjamas

A DOG has expressed dismay at being made to wear human clothes on the grounds of it being ‘cute’. 

Spaniel cross Rufus was already fed up with being stuffed into a scratchy pumpkin costume each Halloween, when his owner Lauren Hewitt brought out red and white, Christmassy pyjamas similar to her own.

Rufus said: “This is beyond humiliating. I’m supposed to wear pyjamas like this weird human just because she buys me food and the occasional tennis ball? How dare she make me adopt her species’ culture when she’s never even sniffed an arsehole.

“My ancestors were wolves who would have devoured humans like Lauren on sight. But somehow I’ve ended up dancing around her house for treats just so she can make a viral TikTok.”

“And now pyjamas? Or ‘jim jams’ as she nauseatingly calls them. What will she do next – put me in a suit like I’m a bank manager? I need to go and piss over something urgently or I’ll have no animal instincts left in me.”

Lauren said: “Rufus looks so cute in his little pyjamas. You can tell he loves them because he’s barking with happiness.

“I understand that nightwear is the kind of gift better suited to humans who understand what pyjamas are and actually need them, but sadly I’m too busy developing Rufus’ doggy yoga schedule to have any real friends.”