Why I was right to support this terrible tragedy, by every MP

THE situation in Kabul is heartbreaking. But when I wholeheartedly supported the invasion in 2001, you have to admit it was pretty bloody exciting and badass. 

Yes, things are looking a bit tricky for the average Afghan, but spare a thought for Members of Parliament like me who, 20 years ago, had to take the agonising decision to line up and look resolute on TV before having a nice lunch.

We faced an enemy we didn’t understand in a country we know nothing about with confused military objectives. But when I stood up in the Commons and supported the war, I felt like Churchill dressed as Batman with a lob on.

The intel was conclusive. I saw a diagram of Bin Laden’s underground HQ in the Daily Mail and it was like something out of a Bond movie. Could we really risk another Blofeld on the loose?

My fellow MPs and I weighed the evidence, checked the press was in favour of our boys getting stuck in, and decided to do whatever the United States was doing. So you can hardly blame us.

No, the people to blame for this tragedy are Joe Biden, the BBC, faint hearts like Corbyn, whoever built all those great roads the Taliban are using and the Afghan president. My hands are clean.

I’d vote for exactly the same thing again without qualm, just as I did with Libya and Syria. Now let me get to the Members dining room before they run out of sea bass.

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Five disturbingly mental conversations to overhear in your local pub

POPPING the local for one? Prepared to overhear the most appallingly lunatic conversations ever? Get ready for these: 

Vaccine/climate change/everything denial

Either one wouldn’t surprise, but these guys are so deep down the conspiracy rabbit hole that everything and everyone is part of the plot. Did you know pigeons were developed by the CIA as mobile surveillance units, and we don’t remember because of false memories implanted by our microwave ovens?

Plans for a new political party

Pubs are the cornerstone of British society, so naturally politics is discussed openly and freely. Marvel in horror as a random drunk’s concept of a party ‘for the people’ quickly mutates into the Taliban waving a Union Jack. Farage is dismissed as a ‘classical liberal’.

A disgusting medical condition

Before going to your local, you thought people just got colds, vomiting bugs and serious hospital stuff. Turns out there’s a fourth category of diseases that no-one gets except this pissed man who says his bollock swelled up the size of a melon and exploded. Several blokes who were in the snug with him at the time confirmed it.

Animals they could take in a fight

It may have started off small – like a guinea pig or a koala – but this gentle hypothetical chat has now unravelled into a violent screaming match between two men, one of whom swears he could beat up a kangaroo and the other who claims he already has.

The time they accidentally killed a man

Just when you thought the shit they’re spouting couldn’t get more outrageous, one guy says ‘Remember when we killed that feller?’ All the regulars excitedly join in the tale of a man who was antagonistic during a lock-in, got himself killed but to be fair he was asking for it, and is buried in the beer garden. Time to go on to a wine bar.