YOU’D think that as Chancellor of the Exchequer I’d be able to do something about inflation. You are clearly ignorant about politics and do not realise I’m powerless to intervene. Here’s why.
It’s beyond my control
The economy is a mysterious beast with lots of strange moving parts. Even though my job is to look after it, the financial system is a global force that cannot be tamed by mere mortals. That’s why I’ll keep blaming surging inflation on the Ukraine war rather than government inaction, all while taking home your yearly salary as a month’s wage.
I don’t really know what I’m doing
Look, I’ve been falling upwards throughout my career. I only got this job because the previous guy buggered off in order to try and get a promotion. I haven’t got a clue how inflation works, let alone how to bring it down. Maybe if I ignore it it’ll go away? I studied chemical engineering for Christ’s sake, I’m way out of my depth.
I’m on holiday
Even if I knew how to help, I couldn’t. The government is on summer recess at the minute, meaning that it’s physically impossible for me to draft legislation that might help poor people buy food. Once I’ve finished lying in my hammock doing f**k all for another week I might be refreshed enough to think about helping.
My heart’s not in the job
Like any job, the first few days were fun. There was a mad scramble for the coveted position, then I turned on the guy who hired me. Good times. The shine quickly rubbed off though. It mainly involves looking at spreadsheets and gradually realising everything’s f**ked beyond repair. It’s hard to care about something that depressing. You just kind of switch off.
Bashing the poor is a key Tory policy
Many of our supporters quite like punishing feckless people for being poor. And clamping down on ‘handouts’ makes them sexually aroused. So there’s no point in fiddling with the economy if only the little people are suffering. And of course you’re too busy worrying about food and hot water to pay attention to politics and boot us out. Put like that, everything is going rather well.