PEOPLE who are not members of ‘hard-working families’ are strange freaks of nature who do not deserve government help, all major parties have confirmed.
Single people, childless couples and those in any kind of non-traditional relationship may as well not exist and certainly will not receive any assistance if struggling this winter.
A cross-party spokesman said: “There’s not much that unites the political parties, but they all agree that the only people who matter are hard-working families. It’s the only group they talk about, if you listen carefully.
“Anyone who doesn’t fall into that bracket doesn’t count as a citizen of this country, especially if they’re sad, lonely singletons. Gays are problematic too. And definitely those polyamorous weirdoes.
“Being widowed is acceptable and single parents are tolerated, because they were once part of a family, even though they ultimately f**ked it up.
“Also, you have to work hard, which only counts if you do an 80-hour week and never get to see your kids. That’s what happy, healthy family life is all about.
“So yeah, we’ve all agreed. Apart from the Green Party, but everyone knows they’re just a bunch of depraved, vice-ridden hippies. Without kids, probably.”