Five songs you thought you knew the words to but don't

SINGING in public is a real minefield, so it’s best to stick to the classics. But do you actually know the words? Here are five songs you could have sworn you had down off by heart:

Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond

This song has inexplicably become a firm favourite with English football fans, yet nobody knows the words aside from the chorus. Even the ‘hands touching hands’ bit is tricky to get right. Luckily the crowd will soon move onto Three Lions, the lyrics of which have been burned onto your brain after nearly three decades of dreary repetition.

The National Anthem

Almost as tedious and tuneless as Three Lions is the National Anthem, a song you must have heard several thousand times and yet still only recall one single line of. The only people who really need to know the words are footballers and rugby players, and even they look like they’re making it up as they go along.

Anything by ABBA

You insist you don’t need the lyrics on screen at the karaoke bar, as you know every single ABBA song off by heart. However, when the ABBA medley megamix kicks off, you realise you actually know f**k all and instead find yourself randomly shouting out ‘…something something WATERLOO!’ several seconds behind the music.

Hey Jude

You were in the crowd at Glastonbury this year, impatiently waiting for Sir Paul to crack into Hey Jude so you could show your mates what an ardent fan you are by singing along, totally word perfect. Unfortunately apart from the ‘Hey Jude’ at the very beginning and the repeated ‘Na, na, na, na, na, na, naaaaa’ at the very end, you didn’t know any, and you looked like a bellend.

Auld Lang Syne

Given that you sing this every New Year without fail, it’s no wonder you think you know the words. But the truth is that after the opening ‘Should old acquaintance be forgot’ no ones know anything, and it immediately falls into loud, drunken la-ing before tailing off after 30 seconds as everyone cracks open another drink and snogs their best friend’s partner instead.

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When are women too quiet, and when are they gobby cows? A patronising man decides

HEY girls, I know times are tough for you, which is why I want to help you to find your voice. Here’s how to be assertive, but not in a strident, unfeminine way:

At work

Your boss hired you for a reason, and not just because of your pretty face. He wants to hear from you in meetings, so don’t be afraid to speak up and tell him you support his ideas. Be careful though: finding flaws or proposing alternatives will bring down morale. No one likes a Negative Nancy.

On telly

Speaking as a man, especially as a feminist, I’m sick of seeing women stuck in the background as nothing but eye candy. I want to you to step into the limelight and sing a lovely song, or talk about dresses and shoes. It would be a welcome distraction from those horrendous harpies telling ‘jokes’ about their periods.

Out and about

You hard-working ladies of the retail and service industries have been worn down for too long. So many of you have clearly been told not to even give me a smile, let alone compliment my purchases. Don’t be afraid to chit-chat, and agree with my complaints about those loud bitches in the corner who are laughing too much.


It’s so hard to find a female who loves scrolling through viciously misogynistic men’s rights forums on Reddit, which is such a shame. Why not try it out? Say hi to us fellas next time you’re online, but don’t get mouthy and reject our sincere dick pics or we’ll be forced to call you a whore.

On dates

I’m going to be honest, I don’t want a girl without any personality, and I want her to be confident in herself. But have some modesty, it’s not all about you, you know! Is this really so hard to understand? I can explain again, slower this time if you need.