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Win Makerfield, romance Shabana Mahmood, raise Brexit from the dead: the Seven Trials of Andy Burnham

ANDY Burnham must pass seven trials to become prime minister. These are they: 

Win Makerfield

To earn the right to Downing Street, the King in the North Across the Water must triumph in a former safe seat where Reform lead. Can he take a constituency populated by 28 per cent ordinary working folk and 72 per cent Westminster journalists doing vox pops?

Recover the fabled Jewel of Working-Class Support

Deep Burnham must dive, deep into a flooded mine where he will do battle with the Hydra of Flattened Vowels, outrun the Agenda of News and find the long-lost scarlet Jewel. Only if it glows at his touch will we know he is the One who Raise the Colours May Consider.

Romance the home secretary

Always, since time immemorial of 2018, Britain must have a brown home secretary for they are the worse racists. Burnham must wine, dine and win the love of the current incumbent for otherwise the sin of Open Borders dwells within his heart.

Spend an hour with Sensei Corbyn

A full hour must Burnham spend with the Old One, the Guru, the Collective Leader-Without-Leadership of Your Party and withstand the lectures on Palestine, Cuba, and injustices hitherto unknown. If he can smile and nod and patronise, he passes.

Survive the Newsprint Beasting

Any Labour prime minister will face six hostile headlines daily in major newspapers, because that is Normal and How Things Must Be. Burnham must go through an accelerated process where he faces 186,000 in a minute then act like he is not bothered.

Raise Brexit from the dead

To show he deserves to lead the Separatist Nations, Burnham must single-handedly raise the corpse of Brexit from the unhallowed ground it lies in then slay it to show he can keep it in a permanent half-life, never successful, never condemned, only ruling eternally.

Win over Labour members

Finally, when all other trials are complete Burnham must win the favour of a majority of Labour members. Many of whom are aged 85 and demanding a return to the Foot Manifesto of 1983 plus full union membership for all professions. Good luck, Andy.

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First-class train ticket well worth it for sense of superiority

TRAVELLING first-class by train offers the priceless experience of being far better than one’s fellow man, a passenger has discovered. 

Jack Browne paid the extra for a first-class journey from London to Carlisle and is still coasting on the feeling of looking down on the hoi palloi from a position of pampered, exclusive comfort.

He said: “It began the moment the platform was announced and the herd began rushing and pushing to get their seats in cattle class, laden with bags, stinking of fast food. While I calmly strolled to my carriage, conveniently situated adjacent to the concourse.

“I had a table seat, obviously, amid a sea of peaceful emptiness. I was brought complimentary water. My phone charging, my legs outstretched, I was served hot porridge. On a train. Imagine such luxury.

“As we pulled into each station, the commoners on the platform would realise they were standing in front of my first-class carriage and hurry along to a more affordable location. That’s right, I thought. Away you go.

“The conductor passed deferentially through and I glimpsed the hell below, a nightmare of teens, backpackers, babies. Four laptops to a table. I raised my glass of Rioja to them as the doors closed again. Poor souls. Poor, standard souls.

“I arrived at my destination 49 minutes late but as a pre-eminent member of society perusing my complimentary Daily Telegraph. Not my normal paper, but its columnists really make a lot of sense.”

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