Your FREE Daily Mail 'Johnson is innocent' 18-page souvenir special

CELEBRATE Boris Johnson being found innocent enough by the Met with today’s historic Daily Mail souvenir special. Here’s a taste of the high-quality journalism it contains.

A brown-nosing editorial

Boris Johnson is a glorious paragon of a human being who deserves to be revered as a god. That’s according to the glowing editorial in today’s souvenir special, which has a nauseating headline written in a fancy font: ‘Hurrah for British justice! Boris the loveable scoundrel pulls it off again!’

A coupon for a commemorative five pound coin

The Metropolitan Police taking no further action against Johnson is an event you will want to treasure for the ages. And what better way to do that than sending off a coupon for a commemorative five pound coin printed with the prime minister’s smug face? Fill in the details and pop it in the post with a cheque for £25.

A highly favourable rewriting of events

Despite what the Marxist left would have you believe, Boris Johnson didn’t really do anything wrong during the pandemic. All around him people were copping off with their aides, inking dodgy PPE contracts and planning to ambush him with a cake, but Boris is pretty much innocent and a hero to boot. Not even Churchill could have handled it better.

Score-settling with the police

The real villains are the police for having the temerity to investigate Boris Johnson – and YOU the taxpayer paid for it! Scotland Yard should be scrapped immediately and replaced with an armed militia who swear an oath of loyalty to the prime minister, argues Peter Hitchens in an ‘exclusive’ column no one else will print.

That photo of Keir Starmer drinking a beer

The supplement will contain a ludicrous number of references to ‘Beergate’. Britain must never forget that the leader of the Labour Party is cheating justice like his buddy Jimmy Savile. Just because he hasn’t been found guilty doesn’t mean he is innocent. The country deserves better, like Boris Johnson.

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Bare-faced lying works a treat, agrees Britain

THE whole of Britain has agreed that next time they do something wrong and there is loads of damning evidence they will simply deny it entirely.

Following Boris Johnson blatantly getting away with Partygate, the country has seen the light and realised that honesty is the worst policy and lying is far superior.

Joanna Kramer of Falkirk told her husband: “Affair? I’m not having an affair with Andy from next door. It’s irrelevant that I’m naked and he’s in me right now.

“I believed at the time that was part of the process of putting shelves up. It was a misapprehension, and I apologise. Now can we move on and deal with what really matters to this household?”

Tom Logan said to police: “I was not in the jewellers, I did not fill a bag with diamonds, the diamonds in the bag in the wardrobe are mine and I mix them in with broken glass to confuse thieves. The CCTV is fake. I am happy to complete a questionnaire.”

Across the country, people are asserting that they are in the office, they have not drained the joint savings account to buy drugs, they have no idea who crashed the car and their trousers are certainly not in a state of combustion.

Nathan Muir of Hartlepool said: “I entirely back Boris Johnson and his outstandingly talented cabinet and shall certainly vote for them in the next election. Call it in October and you’ll see how honest I am.”