ARE you and your partner both in the mood to get down and dirty? Here are five excellent tips for ruining the moment before you’ve even got started:
The following topics are best avoided: the state of your relationship, the dog, China’s role in the Ukraine crisis, your bodies, the drains, your children and John Wyndham’s Day of the Triffids. Cheesy sex chat (‘You’re so big!’ etc.) is another no-no, unless you’re extremely crass. Worst of all is commenting on the fact you’re about to have spontaneous sex… not any more you’re not.
Popping off for a quick rinse is an unwelcome pause, and implies your groin is a vile cesspit. However it may be a good idea, especially with what you had in mind after watching that scene in Bridgerton together. It’s catch 22. What are you supposed to do, keep your sweaty sex parts sterile like an operating theatre all the time just in case? Come on, be realistic…
Nothing will bring things screeching to a halt like causing accidental, not-at-all-kinky pain. Pubes caught in zips aren’t great, ball sacks caught in metal zips are worse. Try headbutting a nose or even a pubic bone. The possibilities are endless and the sexytime vibes are rarely recoverable.
Play hunt the contraception
Scrabbling around trying to find a condom really puts the handbrake on sexual activity. If you want to kill it stone dead, start a blame game about your partner not being tidy/organised enough, or indeed ‘Why don’t you just go on the pill?’ Push it enough and you may escalate an awkward moment into a full-on break up.
Give in to distraction
If you want things to get dry and flaccid fast, finishing a household chore on your way to the bedroom should do the trick. You’ll intend to just press ‘go’ on the dishwasher, but before you know it you’ll have fed the dog and deep-cleaned the oven. When you finally arrive in the bedroom, you’ll somehow be surprised to find your partner asleep naked on the bed, the inconsiderate bastard.