Your guide to creating a b*llocks Brexit slogan

NEED to convince people to vote for your terrible Brexit deal? Get them on board with a deeply patronising slogan. Here’s how.

Refer to domestic appliances

Leaving a trading bloc and negotiating treaties is too abstract for the man on the street. Make Brexit more relatable by saying it’s ‘oven ready’ and just needs ‘slamming in the microwave’. The plebs love microwave swill and they won’t understand ‘slam it in the Aga’.

Keep those war references coming

Certain voters have a limitless appetite for WW2, so there’s still mileage in mentioning D-Day. Just hope everyone else doesn’t finally snap and scream “Shut the f*ck up about the war!”. And our future trading partners in Berlin don’t mind constant tasteless references to the darkest period in their history. 

Talk about its consistency

Since nobody actually knows what Brexit is, you can say it’s hard or soft or turbo-charged or throbbing or whatever you like. If your plan is largely non-existent, distract attention by saying something pretentious and Etonian-sounding, such as comparing it to a non-Newtonian liquid. 

Try to sound tough and fail

Say you’ll “die in a ditch” in your determination to get Brexit done. Forget that you are Boris Johnson and most people have realised you are an utter windbag who can’t be trusted to make a slice of toast.

Just say any old b*llocks

Nobody’s really listening at this point so you can get away with pretty much anything. Maybe go freeform and just say ‘Brexit’ eight times in a row until it finally loses all meaning. Unlike the future of the UK, the possibilities are endless.

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Corbyn still thinks the internet is educational

JEREMY Corbyn is promising the nation free broadband because he still believes the internet is an educational tool, it has emerged. 

Shadow cabinet members admitted that Corbyn believes the internet is mainly used for distance learning and online encyclopedias, and no one has had the heart to correct him. 

Business secretary Rebecca Long-Bailey said: “It’s like, if he’s managed to remain innocent about the open digital sewer which is the internet, why should we be the ones to spoil it? 

“The internet is the greatest technological development of our generation. It should be used to make the world a better place. It’s not Jeremy’s fault that it’s exactly the opposite. 

“I had a report in front of me saying that 95 per cent of internet use is pornography, trolling, Instagram bullying and 12-year-olds calling each other gay on Fortnite, but he wouldn’t even understand any of those things. 

“He’s like the harassed teacher from 1982 who let us endlessly play Candyfloss on the BBC Micro because he thought we were learning. Why shatter his illusions?” 

Corbyn said: “I also think these smartphones are a marvellous idea. Tell me, how exactly do they make you smarter?”