by Josh Gardner, who buys vinyl but isn’t sure why
I LOVE a big TV show. There’s nothing better than sitting down with the new series of Umbrella Academy for ten hours straight.
Yeah, you have to write off the next day because you’re knackered and irritable, but it’s so much more immersive. And you’ve no real choice. If you take 11 hours spoilers are all over TikTok.
However, Amazon’s trying this weird new thing where they’re showing new sci-fi must-see Cobalt Winter one episode a week, every Friday. And I’m not afraid of innovation, so I signed up for the ride.
Fuck’s sake! That was actually good, and it’s over? What, I just have to wonder what happens next, do I? This is bullshit.
The most annoying thing is you have to find something else to do instead of watching the next one. I had a wank, ate a Pop Tart, had another wank, then I was out of ideas so I went to bed early.
Okay, I now have no idea who any of these people are. Come on. It’s been a whole seven days. But I catch up on the wiki and I’m back into it – briefly. Is Kimmy an android? Seriously, cliffhanger endings are a form of abuse. It’s like a season finale every week.
It’s driving me mad that I’ve got to wait 10,018 minutes to find out. I might have a shower to knock 10 minutes off it. Jesus this is annoying. It’s only 10,017 minutes now, so that’s something.
There’s a party going on round at Noah’s, but like a junkie jonesing for a fix I’m in front of my laptop trying to find out if the AI controlling Nu-Atlantia is actually an augmented human brain. Thanks a fucking lot, Amazon. If Noah and them are all doing edibles you can stick your high-quality original drama up your corporate arse.
I keep talking about the show, speculating about what might happen, and my mates are bored with it. ‘Just watch it,’ Sophie said, and I had to explain I can’t. They’ve started mocking me. They call me Mystery Boy.
Anyway, it’s on tonight and the Inheritors are killing all organic lifeforms, Sheldrake got his mind wiped by a combat droid and I’m stressed. Seriously, trauma vibes. I’m going to the GP for tranquilisers. He’d be cool with that, right? Young people’s mental health is a priority, and I’d only be on them till Friday.
Well that was shit. Everything that happened last week was in Kalia’s bottle universe. If I’d know that I would never have worried, and I wouldn’t have suffered erectile dysfunction I’m pretty sure. The waiting’s ruined my life.
The absolute bastards. I spent yet another week waiting, and the concluding episode does nothing but set up the next series. Nothing was resolved, I’ve wasted six weeks, and now it’s a year until season two. That’s 259,200 minutes.
It was a brave experiment, even if my dad does claim that’s ‘how all shows used to be’. I’ll stick with binge-watching, thanks, like normal people. Still, it’s only 259,194 minutes if I have a wank and a Pop Tart. May as well get started.