A white home counties roadman talks you through his school drip

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, explains to his crew the privations of walking the hood in school uniform. 

Fam! Man is vexed, spending time imprisoned in dis grammar school shit drip ooniform. Might as well be a horange jumpsuit like in Wha’gwantanamo Bay, innit!

First, dem say no baseball cap. Are you teasin’ me, bruv? Then mandem not have tramlines in their trims! Man had to colour him’s heyebrows in wiv Sharpie.

Next, da shirt wiv no zip and no Velcro. Man has no time for buttons, so only top two gettin’ done’, innit! And wot’s wiv da tie too, cuz? Man feels like him’s choked out. See tha knot? Same knot two year blud. 2021 knot there.

And pants is proper skank. They is creased all da way down, and no helastic at the bottom to stop man’s sick bubblegum vapes droppin’ out. But at least they hide man’s simpleton shoes, innit! Got fresh Air Force in bag, they’ll be on before hassembly.

Man has to hang a new blazer too wiv da school badge on it. Like a fake-ass Versace, real. No lie worst designa logo eva, Man had to get a large to go over a hoody, coz man cudn’t find a hextra large big enuff to go over man’s Zavetti Canada Goose coat.

Now is time for man’s peng selfie for gyaldem on da Snap. Saying? Mi Sharpie ran? Mi eye black? Mi look like Chemical Romance? That is mental shit.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

What’s ‘Billie’ Eilish even short for? Is it Billicent?

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Oh, this is ‘your’ sign, is it? Don’t be so possessive and territorial.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Why don’t people go on seven-year sea voyages anymore, coming back to find their children grown and their wife married to another man?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Bowling for Soup? Scouting for Girls? What’s next, another gerund for noun?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Martin Freeman stars in… The Ice Magic Story. Idris Elba takes the lead role in a movie about deely-boppers. Ian McKellen plays the inventor of flicking a rubber band at your mate.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

If sheep want to be taken seriously they’re going to need to clean all that shit from around their arse.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Was keeping a boxing kangaroo cruel? How could they be when they’re right there dishing it out?

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy. But my left eye is. Fucking lazy.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Oppenheimer’s still on and it’s become a cult movie. Audiences dress as atomic scientists, play bongos and throw uranium at the screen.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Those tight tees the fellas in Newcastle wear are called howayin’ shirts.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Do not assume your neighbour is not a bus driver because he does not drive home in a bus. He may be cunning enough to leave it at work.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

If you fell into quicksand your first thought wouldn’t be panic but ‘Wow! Quicksand! Like in the films!’