Ask Carol Vorderman: I'm 93. Should I start an OnlyFans to pay my heating bill?

Carol Vorderman, former Countdown presenter turned left-wing glamour model, answers your queries

Dear Carol,

You’re an expert on numbers and I’m dealing with a few of them. I’m 93 next month, I remember the Blitz and rationing and the Swinging Sixties, but I don’t remember ever facing energy bills as high as these.

I’ve tried to keep an open mind even about changes I’ve disagreed with, like motorways and the polio vaccine, and I’ve heard about this new invention called OnlyFans. Are you familiar with it? Apparently you upload explicit images from the comfort of your own home and men pay you for it.

I’m dreadfully worried about these bills and the price of Felix pouches, so I wondered if I might bite the bullet and start shaking my titties online. My laptop comes with a camera so technology-wise I’m ready to go. You’ve got a head for figures, and according to my middle-aged son Alan a figure for head, so I thought you’d be able to help.

With all best wishes,

Margaret Gerving

Dear Margaret,

Before I go on, may I just say congratulations on reaching such an advanced age. I hope I one day reach 93, a factor of two of my favourite primes.

And speaking of impressive numbers, you’re right in thinking there’s a good living in OnlyFans, but it’s also a lot of hard work.

Men are prodigious voyeurs and subscribers require daily updates in order to stay interested in your assets and not be wooed by anyone else’s. Even a niche GILF market like the one you’ll be catering to has competition, particularly as the weather turns.

How much time do you really want to dedicate to your own nudity? And to finding different poses and backgrounds? Just as men get bored with seeing the same old fannies every day, they won’t be slow to complain about your taupe walls and outdated dado rail.

At your age, flexibility and mobility will also be an issue. Will you have help to snap those hard-to-reach nether areas? Would Alan be available?

Just as we used to film Countdown in week-long blocks, I’d recommend spending a couple of days doing nothing but nudes then releasing them over a couple of weeks to maintain a steady stream of scintillating and titillating content. That way you can keep up with Doctors as it builds to its explosive finale while maintaining a captive audience of paypigs for your wrinkly bosoms.

I sincerely hope that this helps and I can’t wait to see how it all goes. Might I recommend a screen name along the lines of ‘GrannyGarden69’? Just a suggestion.


Carol Vorderman

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

No, you will never be as happy as a mouse in clogs in a windmill in Amsterdam. Stop trying.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Stressed with a colleague? Take a deep breath, head to the kitchen, brew yourself a cup of camomile tea and throw it over their fucking laptop.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

It’s not just Santa, you can tell kids that anything’s not real. I’ve just done it to mine about hedgehogs.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

If the campervan’s rocking, don’t come knocking. If the campervan’s still, grandad hasn’t taken his blue pill.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Bog standard means as good as a toilet, and toilets are great. I wouldn’t shit in anything else.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Taylor Swift has just announced a new tour date. Wednesday 20th December upstairs at The Red Lion pub in Braintree. Should be tickets on the door.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

I want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed. Specifically that freak they keep in a pit that bites the head off a live chicken.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

You thought Nicholas Cage was an offhand, superior arsehole when you met him? You should hear what he says about you.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

“We have successfully touched down at Dublin airport. Quick, get your bags! Get your bags from the overhead lockers right now, before someone steals them!”

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

You and your mate Steve wrote a new UK constitution on a beer mat that says deporting to Rwanda is fine. It also says that breast reductions are illegal and you can get Stella on prescription.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

I had a successful origami business, but it went under. Folded? No, you’re thinking of my scuba-diving business.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

New craze for Gen Z: watching people watching people play videogames. ‘Being at one further remove is dope as hell,’ say teenage dickheads.