THIS time of year sees university towns infested with students, all being ripped off for nasty accommodation and piss-poor education. But not me. I’m thick.
Sounds too simple? But it’s true. Simply by being shite at academic subjects, failing my GCSEs and never progressing to degree-level, I’ve saved myself tens of thousands.
University these days is like flushing money down the fucking bog, without even the chance of heading to the beach and catching it emerging from the sewage outfall. Especially if you’re doing a BA in English Language when spellcheckers exist.
But if you’re too stupid – or fake it – you can swerve the whole scam entirely. Student loans? Not your problem. Eye-watering interest hikes on said loans? Not your problem. And with a lower income from not having a fancy graduate job, you’ll pay a lot less tax.
But how can I get the benefits of university, you ask? How can I enjoy cheap beer, bad hash, heartbreakingly gorgeous girls who aren’t interested in me and not going to lectures?
Well, if you want the experience of being patronised by lecturers who will go to any lengths to avoid you, pop along to an open day. Totally free to attend and you can truthfully list ‘attended Durham University’ on your CV. Who’s the smart twat now?
Want the good stuff? Every town has a student pub, and you can get an NUS card simply by attending two French lessons at a night school. You’ll get cheap pints, knobheads spouting misunderstood philosophy from their seminar, wannabe Footlights stars doing shit material and the real sense that you don’t deserve to be there if you’re not rich.
But how do I waste three years of my youth doing fuck all that’s any use to employers? No need for uni. Just read at texts random, gaze longingly at the back of a crush’s head while ignoring a lecture on YouTube and make misguided decisions a parent bails you out from.
Don’t worry about not standing out in the job market. This country no longer tolerates intellectuals, meaning stupidity is both thrifty and good for your career. You’ll be managing postgraduate tossers in no time.