By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who knew Liz Truss was right all along
FORGET your gender nonsense, Gen Z. Worry not about climate change. The time has come for you to put your anxieties aside and fuck.
I don’t say it lightly. I despise you, with your neck tattoos and your cold brew coffees and your CBD vapes. Your half-witted generation, parents? I’d rather make Just Stop Oil traffic wardens.
Nevertheless fuck you must. And rawdogging is mandatory, to use your despicable slang. Because if we are to keep our society’s most sacred compact – the pensions triple lock – then we need new blood.
You can’t breed the old. Millennials, who should be producing babies, are too obsessed with winged eyeliner and filming themselves ejaculating onto Harry Potter books to show their contempt. I’m afraid it falls to you.
Because, even though everyone under 25 has shit for brains, you’re fertile. And we need a new wave of wage-earners if we’re to keep the old comfortable, cossetted and Conservative. Would you deny them the pleasure of being right about everything in their dotage?
It’s even conceivable that, having conceived, it might do you some good. You won’t be so non-binary when you’re sqeezing a nine-pound infant out of your fanny. There’s no self-care breaks in childcare.
The cowardly Tories won’t bring back national service, but there’s no greater service to your nation than procreation. And it’s bloody hard work and you can’t wear headphones.
We can’t possibly let any immigrants in. So, even though you’re little better, you’ll have to do. Put down your smartphones and get fucking. Go on. Do it now. I’m watching.