DAYTIME baker, nighttime lothario, at both ends gentle yet firm with my hands. But when I throw a conquest onto the waterbed, what’s soundtracking our sexual odyssey? Read on:
Foreplay – A Smeg TR4110GR fan oven being pre-heated to 200c
We begin with the most erotic sound on earth: a fan oven. Gently heating to optimal bread-baking temperature. And as that whirring pervades the air, I begin to rise like a cottage loaf. It’s reflexive and magnificent.
Undressing – The Great British Bake-Off theme tune (scratch remix)
In case my partner, who is ideally between 20 and 35 years younger, has second thoughts the playlist segues straight into the GBBO theme tune to remind them why they’re doing this – I’m off the telly. The remix adds scratching and hip-hop beats. I slip my top off.
Striptease – You Can Leave Your Hat On by Tom Jones
Oh yeah, I strip alright. I’ve got a whole little routine that ends with me stark bollock naked with a Star Baker apron draped off my hard-on. It’s my own personal showstopper.
Foreplay – Chariots of Fire by Vangelis
I like to perform foreplay slowly, sensually and overdramatically. This music’s ideal. Gives the whole area a touch of British grit and pluck triumphing against the odds which it needs because foreplay’s for girls.
Penetration – Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
As I go in for the kill I put myself in the shoes of Maverick, the Top Gun of the USAF, but the Maverick of baking. Sometimes I whisper ‘call me Maverick’. Once I wore Ray-Ban Aviators, but they steamed up like when you open an oven while making scones.
Climax – Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon
A song so sexy it has sex in the title, which is like my surname being Hollywood: obvious but impressive. I’m banging away, not thinking about durations or amounts, lost in the moment like a blind bake, doing it all by eye and feel and touch. Then I finish, which normally amounts to a heaped teaspoon.
Post-coital – Paul Hollywood: A Baker’s Life, the audiobook
While my exhausted lover falls sated into sleep, I lie awake contemplating the grubby acts I’ve just commited. To unwind, I like to think of how far I’ve come in life. So I stick on my own entire audiobook, listen to my own soothing tones and relax. There’s a cracking recipe for jam tarts.
