David Bowie: are we ready to admit he was wank for 30 years?

10th November 2022

SIX years since the world lost David Bowie, are we ready to admit that the bulk of his career was a pile of crap? The evidence:

Tonight, 1984

Bowie’s 16th studio release is when the rot began. Let’s Dance the year before alienated longtime fans; this told them to fuck off. The best it has to offer is Loving the Alien, which is the track you skip on your Best of Bowie because it’s boring.

The Glass Spider tour, 1987

An infamous and extravagant worldwide tour set up to flog units of a bad album to mums that wanted Ziggy Stardust back. So bad Bowie took great joy in burning part of the set when it mercifully came to an end. A dark chapter of his life and career with a really stupid name.

Too Dizzy, 1987

Never Let Me Down: a shit album, promoted by a shit tour, containing this shit track of middle-of-the-road pop rock. Bowie pulled the song from reissues of the album, making original pressings something of a collector’s item. An abominably bad collector’s item aficionados wouldn’t actually want to listen to.

Tin Machine, 1989

Following the commercial and critical failure of Never Let Me Down, Bowie formed rock band Tin Machine. You remember Tin Machine? Their studio albums sold over two million copies on the momentum of Bowie alone. Can anyone name a single Tin Machine song? Can they fuck.

All the industrial electronic bullshit, the 1990s

You can only coast on reputation for so long, and this largely ignored period is when Bowie’s credit ran out. The man who’d created banger after banger experimented with electronica, industrial noise and junglist beats but failed to be down with the rave kids. Better to lose a decade to being out of your mind on cocaine than to this.

Whatever the fuck he was doing for years until Blackstar, 2016

Entering the late-career period where every release is hailed a ‘return to form’ until the next one, Bowie largely stopped trying. Until Blackstar, released two days before the icon’s death, the sound of an artist confronting their mortality with poise and dignity and is actually good. But 30 wasted years? Count them…

Mash Blind Date: A 48-year-old man and the 41-year-old he has deigned to date despite the age difference

9th November 2022

HERO and feminist Tom Booker, aged 48, has agreed to date Jo Kramer despite only being seven years older than her. How did it go?

Tom on Jo

First impression?

Really remarkably favourable. Considering she’s past 40 with the menopause ready to come down like a ton of bricks, she looked convincingly youthful. She could pass for 36, I told her.

How was conversation?

Impressive. She knows her cars, talked a good game when it came to managing investments, and while usually my Noel’s House Party jokes get blank stares she laughed. I honestly didn’t have to dumb down my conversation at all, which is a very refreshing change on a date.

Memorable moments?

At one point, when we both discovered we’ll be mortgage-free by 2024 and we’ve both always wanted to balloon through Kenya, our hands and eyes met in the shimmering candlelight and I genuinely felt very powerfully attracted to her.

Favourite thing about Jo?

Just the easy, flowing dialogue between us. It was like talking to an equal.

A capsule description?

Really looks after herself, great fun, we have a lot in common.

Was there a spark?

It’s bizarre but there actually was..? I know. I guess the heart knows no boundaries.

What happened afterwards?

I called her an Uber, on me, and told her I’d had a fantastic evening. And meant it.

What would you change about the evening?

Nothing. Compared to the halting conversation and frequent misunderstandings of all the dates I’ve had with girls half my age, this was perfect.

Will you see each other again?

No. I’m dating a 22-year-old on Friday. I can’t throw that away for someone I could relate to.

Jo on Tom

First impression?

Absolutely one of those arrogant twats who got rich, got divorced and now chases every twentysomething piece of ass he gets near to make up for being unpopular at school. He has the Rolex and everything.

How was conversation?

Exactly confirming my first impression. He told me about six ex-girlfriends all in their 20s. The figure he most admires is Leonardo DiCaprio. But he seemed inordinately pleased that I knew what Mr Blobby and the Gotcha Oscars were.

Memorable moments?

At one point I almost liked him, then he mentioned he doesn’t see his kids much because he ex-wife’s jealous of his success and he pities her. Then I hated him again.

Favourite thing about Tom?

It has to be that, after this date, I’ll never have to be in the same room with him again.

A capsule description?

The older man every girl dated in her 20s and which she’s regretted ever since.

Was there a spark?

He is incapable of love.

What happened afterwards?

He did this bizarrely regretful thing, like we were two lovers being torn apart by an impending war. ‘If only you were 20 years younger,’ he said, and almost seemed to be crying.

What would you change about the evening?

Tom.

Will you see each other again?

No. I couldn’t bear the terror in his eyes if I’d visibly aged, the pathetic, insecure bastard. Also he’s losing his hair.