AS an innocent Google of ‘grisly penile injuries’ will demonstrate, sex can be dangerous. And refreshingly, sometimes it’s the man who comes off worse.
But, much like sticking a butter knife into a toaster, the irresistible desire outweighs the perceived risk. So if the man in your life has wronged you by leaving you to finish yourself off once too often, you can wreak revenge disguised as happenstance:
A snapped boner
Reverse cowgirl is officially the most dangerous sex position: who knew? Presumably the pornstar on top who doesn’t give a fuck if her hired cock breaks his dick.
But now you know, you can use this knowledge to your advantage. All it takes is for him to accidentally slip out during heavy thrusting and hark! What’s that cracking, popping sound followed by shrieking? Your pubic bone crushing his erect member! That’s what he gets for implying you were fat.
A fall on the phallus
Felling your gentleman caller onto his own wood is another excellent way to enliven A&E’s evening with a penile fracture. Get kinky, get the cuffs out, get him hard and then topple him like a cow on a rural stag night. A short, sharp shove that can be passed off as rough play gone wrong should do the trick. Take a moment to relish his screams.
Blow by blow
You suck his dick and still he’s not happy. He keeps driving deeper and harder and frankly taking fucking liberties, so invent a new form of gag reflex which causes the jaws to snap shut and lock like those of a crocodile. Don’t bite clean through, nobody wants that, just enough to leave a lasting memento that can be matched to your dental records.
Keep things simple
Sometimes the simple things are the most effective: help him take off his trousers and, whoops, that’s his foreskin stuck in the zip; buy a cock ring that’s a little too small and wedge it on a little too hard; slip out from under him when you’re fucking on the floor to cause a beautiful penile carpet burn; or go old-style Victorian whore and give him syphilis.
Been listening to true crime podcasts? Impressed with those serial killers’ imagination? Go blue-sky like they do and go down in history. Persuade him to pop his turgid knob into Hetty Hoover then flick it on, slap it about a bit before a classic 1970s karate chop, or get a vagina dentata installed and dare him to try it. Now who’s the pussy?