Five horrific penile injuries to cause then pretend were accidental, with the Mash sex columnist

AS an innocent Google of ‘grisly penile injuries’ will demonstrate, sex can be dangerous. And refreshingly, sometimes it’s the man who comes off worse. 

But, much like sticking a butter knife into a toaster, the irresistible desire outweighs the perceived risk. So if the man in your life has wronged you by leaving you to finish yourself off once too often, you can wreak revenge disguised as happenstance:

A snapped boner

Reverse cowgirl is officially the most dangerous sex position: who knew? Presumably the pornstar on top who doesn’t give a fuck if her hired cock breaks his dick.

But now you know, you can use this knowledge to your advantage. All it takes is for him to accidentally slip out during heavy thrusting and hark! What’s that cracking, popping sound followed by shrieking? Your pubic bone crushing his erect member! That’s what he gets for implying you were fat.

A fall on the phallus

Felling your gentleman caller onto his own wood is another excellent way to enliven A&E’s evening with a penile fracture. Get kinky, get the cuffs out, get him hard and then topple him like a cow on a rural stag night. A short, sharp shove that can be passed off as rough play gone wrong should do the trick. Take a moment to relish his screams.

Blow by blow

You suck his dick and still he’s not happy. He keeps driving deeper and harder and frankly taking fucking liberties, so invent a new form of gag reflex which causes the jaws to snap shut and lock like those of a crocodile. Don’t bite clean through, nobody wants that, just enough to leave a lasting memento that can be matched to your dental records.

Keep things simple

Sometimes the simple things are the most effective: help him take off his trousers and, whoops, that’s his foreskin stuck in the zip; buy a cock ring that’s a little too small and wedge it on a little too hard; slip out from under him when you’re fucking on the floor to cause a beautiful penile carpet burn; or go old-style Victorian whore and give him syphilis.

Express yourself

Been listening to true crime podcasts? Impressed with those serial killers’ imagination? Go blue-sky like they do and go down in history. Persuade him to pop his turgid knob into Hetty Hoover then flick it on, slap it about a bit before a classic 1970s karate chop, or get a vagina dentata installed and dare him to try it. Now who’s the pussy?

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You stand on public transport even when it’s empty, on the off-chance that an elderly, pregnant, disabled war veteran might get on and need all 40 seats.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

It’s no wonder Billy Corgan titled a Smashing Pumpkins song 1979. In their fourth season and with their first movie released, it really was the Muppets’ key year.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Remembrance, remembrance, the eleventh of Novembrance. Poppies, gammon and gout.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. But mine also fucked others up by running a scout group and choir.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Look, I recognise that MacArthur Park and Marillion’s Sugar Mice are both about leaving sweet comestibles out in the rain, but that’s not enough for a club night.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

God, imagine robot porn. Hammering pistons, squirts of oil, eyes flashing wildly as they climax. I’d watch it.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

One time you held a shell up to your ear to hear the sea and instead heard Peter Andre singing Mysterious Girl in a high falsetto.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

‘Let’s get the train tube to M&Ms World!’ you shout, and six nearby Londoners die of shame.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You’re a human cannonball… and your wife is a bearded lady! Sounds like the set-up for a joke but it isn’t, just a miserable romance between society’s outsiders.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

‘Too many cooks spoil the broth,’ you said to your wife when she asked for a threesome with you and her personal trainer Dave. It didn’t convince her.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

‘Why don’t people have urinals at home?’ your son asks. Interesting question. Because they’re horrible and piss spatters everywhere, but that only begs a further question.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Good news: you’re getting a blue plaque on your house. Bad news: it’s for Gustav Olaffson, the Swedish inventor of foreplay.