Her new laser eyes won't turn off: Which insane Princess Kate disappearance rumour do you believe?

ARE you a rational person, or do you now believe one of these wild Princess Kate rumours swirling around the internet?

Her new laser eyes won’t turn off

The doctors popped them in while she was in hospital, but they didn’t do a proper job. Now Princess Kate is unleashing a beam of atomic energy from her eyes 24/7, when they were only originally meant to amaze audiences at ribbon cutting ceremonies. If word gets out about them, everyone will try and copy the look.

The Palace can’t tell her apart from the clones

Princess Kate’s schedule is too busy for one person, so the Palace resorted to making lifelike facsimiles to ease the strain. The only problem is that they did too good a job, and now they can’t tell the real Princess of Wales apart from the fakes. Why else do you think William had to duck out of his duties yesterday? ‘Personal matters’ is obviously code for ‘clone trouble’.

Her giant bat wings are still visible

For years the leathery wings on Princess Kate’s back have been small enough to be concealed by hunting jackets and loose shirts. Maybe it’s a hormone thing, but now she’s got the wingspan of an albatross and could swoop around like a bat if she wanted to. Until zoologists find a way to safely remove them, she will be avoiding public life.

Aliens won’t give her back

Princess Kate is the perfect human specimen, are you really so naive as to think this would not attract the attention of extraterrestrials? They want to study her flawless smile, understand her immaculate sense of style, and recreate her ethereal elegance on their home planet. Just like building an extension this is taking twice as long as expected, so they’ll probably return her around May.

The shapeshifting failed

Talented Kate’s party trick is transforming into other objects and people, with her impressions of political figures and celebrities often going down a storm at Royal bashes. Sadly though she’s got stuck in the form of Bradley Walsh and can’t remember how to go back to normal. She’s condemned to either living the rest of her life in secret or presenting light entertainment shows, but cannot decide which is less worse.

She’s had a dodgy haircut

Like many women who have recently hit their 40s, Kate’s decided it’s time for a change and gone for a drastic new hairstyle. She thought a pixie cut would make her look cute and young, but she’s somehow more reminiscent of Shirley Carter from Eastenders. It’s going to take at least two years for that lustrous mane to grow back, so we won’t be seeing her anytime soon. This is the least believable rumour of all. The Palace would never allow it, as there’s too little hair in that marriage already.

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Vapes to be taxed by how stupid they smell

VAPES are to be taxed according to how stupid their plume of candy-flavoured smoke smells, it has emerged.

The government’s proposed vaping tax at next week’s Budget will operate on an escalating scale from ‘smells like lighter fluid’ to ‘candy floss-scented bullshit’ and impose financial penalties depending on where the e-liquid falls.

A Downing Street spokesperson said: “Anything fruit-flavoured will be worst hit. If you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to be downwind of a sickly cloud of raspberry fog, you’ll know why.

“Mint, Jaebergbomb and apple pie flavours will also incur a substantial levy. Vapers are meant to be drug addicts, not branches of Lush, so it’s high time they were encouraged to start acting and smelling like them.

“Juices that reek of white spirit or glue on the other hand will be much cheaper. It’s important to help out the small businesses who make these flavours, especially if they can protect us from inhaling ghastly watermelon fumes.

“Of course we suspect the vaping tax will be unpopular, so we’re going to give it a trendy name to appeal to today’s youth. Something like Daddy Hunt’s Vape Liquid Budget Burst. Although even that risks sounding too cool.”

15-year-old vaper Jack Browne said: “It is with regret that you leave me no alternative but to get addicted to weed.”