Thanos. Ernst Blofeld. Emperor Palpatine. And Sadiq Khan, most evil of them all

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who wants the IDF over here doing what they do best

YOU cannot imagine what it’s like, you provincials. Living here, in London, in the shadow of the most despotic, corrupt, malevolent regime ever known. 

Our Tube trains are plastered with images of his cruel, sneering face. Our streets choked with the pro-Palestinian marches he orders daily. Our only communication a regulation muttered ‘Hail Sadiq’ with lowered eyes as we pass in the rainswept streets.

In London, you cannot afford a house because Khan has requisitioned them all to hand out to his Islamist mates. You cannot drive a car because all roads have been blocked by his ‘low-traffic neighbourhoods.’ You cannot eat anywhere but Pret.

All freedom has been stamped out under Khan’s jackboot. At gunpoint, we ride his Windrush line. We file through art galleries with endless new exhibitions called ‘Why Whites Are Bad’. We pay thousands for West End shows glorifying his reign.

If you’re from the normal world – from Doncaster, from Ipswich, from sunny Stoke-on-Trent – you may find this hard to believe. ‘But you voted for him,’ you’ll say, blindly. ‘Twice. And his father was a bus driver.’

He was. And, enraged in childhood by the lack of representation in On The Buses, hardened in adulthood by his swashbuckling predecessor’s removal of the bendy buses designed to wipe out the white race, that’s where Khan’s crusade began.

Seizing power illegally, he made sure only news favourable to him escaped London. Inside the capital, he allowed crime to run rampant. He ensured the Met was institutionally racist in his favour. He pumped pollution into the air to kill our children.

Smiling was forbidden. Wearing earphones, broadcasting podcasts boosting his reign 24-7, mandatory. Even brief eye contact can see you shot dead and your body stepped over without a word.

If you’ve visited London, you know it’s true. But, unable to swallow the enormity of it, you blamed Londoners for being unfriendly, blamed the rich for house prices, blamed pigeons for the corpses littering Trafalgar Square.

Caligula? Knew how to have a laugh. Stalin? Began with the best of intentions. Hitler? Misguided, but never less than honest. Sadiq Khan is worse than them all.

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Your astrological week ahead for February 24th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

When someone new enters a meeting, turn to the person next to you and say ‘Well, he’s here now, you can tell him to his face.’

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Pool party! Whooo! Oh no, it’s lane swim until 4pm.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Don’t forget to register to vape!

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Have you ever actually tried taking candy from a baby? The fuckers have got some grip on them.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

“Reverse cowgirl? What, so not in the old West, can’t ride horses, has minimal roping skills? Is that what you’re into?”

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

This week, you meet someone whose glasses are such a natural and intrinsic part of their face that without astigmatism their features would be hideously plain and ready-salted.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

In hit song S&M, Rihanna claimed that ‘chains and whips excite me’. She has since clarified she meant chain restaurants and Walnut Whips.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Go to the football holding up a handwritten sign asking for the referee’s shirt at full time.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Suffering vaginal dryness? Have you tried checking for packets of silica gel?

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Everything is cashless now. Only perverts carry money. If you try to pay with a fiver you get put on a register.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Your drag queen name is Dado Rail. Sorry, all the good ones are taken.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

The other day you Googled Fatboy Slim, just to see what he’s up to. You wonder if he ever does the same for you.