THE Traitors host Claudia Winkleman brings the show back this week – but when it comes to secrets of her own, she’s literally getting away with murder. She explains:
You don’t get to the top of British television without getting your hands dirty. But unlike Holly, Phil and Neil Buchanan, I’m not stupid enough to get caught. This is why those who cross me are never found.
Use your celebrity contacts
You’ve been slighted on Twitter. Geezer slagged off the sequinned trouser suit you were wearing on Strictly Blackpool week. Your blood’s up and he has to die. But CCTV of your famous fringe buying saws, a woodchipper and rolls of plastic sheeting would put you in the frame, so get Kevin Clifton to do it. He’s anonymous. Chuck the chunks off the end of the pier. Nobody swims at Blackpool because the sea never stopped being full of shit.
Don’t use a BBC car
Temptingly convenient, but don’t. The tabloids make ever such a fuss about licence fee money being misused, devoting up to 80 per cent of their reporting resources to it, and riding to Southend with a corpse propped up next to you could be the next Sachsgate.
Rope in the most horrible bastard you know
In my case Tess Daly. The received wisdom is to keep your murders to yourself, but nothing could anger Tess more. And she knows what I’ve got on her and that Anton Du Beke will take her out at the crook of my finger, so she joins in the dismemberment with a radiant smile on her face, wishing it was Vern.
Dress as a builder
Nobody sees hi-viz, not properly. They assume you’re doing something important while smoking a Lambert & Butler and listening for your shout-out on Radio 1. Fill half a skip with bodies and they’ll never notice. But don’t get caught up in the exuberance of the role and fly-tip them in a layby.
Severed arm fallen out of your bag on the bus? ‘Lineker!’ you shrug, and the passenger opposite rolls his eyes and goes back to his Standard. Smell of decomposition bothering the neighbours? ‘Lineker,’ you explain, and they accept it without question. The public will forgive that man anything. Why he kills so rarely I’ll never know.
Write a series of best-selling books about the murders you’ve committed
Not my tip, to be fair, I got it off Richard Osman. Who got it from JK Rowling. Who apparently got it from Jeffery Archer, the dark horse.