How to dispose of a body without getting caught, by Claudia Winkleman

THE Traitors host Claudia Winkleman brings the show back this week – but when it comes to secrets of her own, she’s literally getting away with murder. She explains: 

You don’t get to the top of British television without getting your hands dirty. But unlike Holly, Phil and Neil Buchanan, I’m not stupid enough to get caught. This is why those who cross me are never found.

Use your celebrity contacts

You’ve been slighted on Twitter. Geezer slagged off the sequinned trouser suit you were wearing on Strictly Blackpool week. Your blood’s up and he has to die. But CCTV of your famous fringe buying saws, a woodchipper and rolls of plastic sheeting would put you in the frame, so get Kevin Clifton to do it. He’s anonymous. Chuck the chunks off the end of the pier. Nobody swims at Blackpool because the sea never stopped being full of shit.

Don’t use a BBC car

Temptingly convenient, but don’t. The tabloids make ever such a fuss about licence fee money being misused, devoting up to 80 per cent of their reporting resources to it, and riding to Southend with a corpse propped up next to you could be the next Sachsgate.

Rope in the most horrible bastard you know

In my case Tess Daly. The received wisdom is to keep your murders to yourself, but nothing could anger Tess more. And she knows what I’ve got on her and that Anton Du Beke will take her out at the crook of my finger, so she joins in the dismemberment with a radiant smile on her face, wishing it was Vern.

Dress as a builder

Nobody sees hi-viz, not properly. They assume you’re doing something important while smoking a Lambert & Butler and listening for your shout-out on Radio 1. Fill half a skip with bodies and they’ll never notice. But don’t get caught up in the exuberance of the role and fly-tip them in a layby.

Blame Lineker

Severed arm fallen out of your bag on the bus? ‘Lineker!’ you shrug, and the passenger opposite rolls his eyes and goes back to his Standard. Smell of decomposition bothering the neighbours? ‘Lineker,’ you explain, and they accept it without question. The public will forgive that man anything. Why he kills so rarely I’ll never know.

Write a series of best-selling books about the murders you’ve committed

Not my tip, to be fair, I got it off Richard Osman. Who got it from JK Rowling. Who apparently got it from Jeffery Archer, the dark horse.

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Mash Blind Date: can two people living the New Year, New You dream keep it up for a whole evening?

LUCY Parry, aged 29, and 27-year-old Jordan Gardner are both bringing entirely new personalities into 2024. Will they also find new love? 

Jordan on Lucy

First impression?

Really friendly, mentioned her step count within the first 90 seconds. I replied that I was at the gym at 7am this morning lifting weights. She countered with her not-yet-completed entry form for the Great North Run.

How was conversation? 

We had so much in common: she’s vegan just like I’ve recently become, and she’s dumping toxic relationships like I am, and we’re both in the preliminary stages of launching our own podcasts.

Memorable moments? 

When we both refused the wine list with the exact same words ‘No thanks, I’m on a sobriety journey’. We laughed and laughed. Goes to show you don’t need alcohol.

Favourite thing about Lucy? 

Her ambition. Learning Cantonese, doing her first half-marathon and spending two months in Uruguay teaching natives about recycling? Where will she find the time to even do her PhD?

A capsule description? 

Absolutely faultless. Striving for self-improvement in every area possible. To the extent that it seems slightly delusional.

Was there a spark? 

There may have been, but if I’m honest we each spent so long bragging about how brilliant we’re going to be this year that it was outshone by the radiance of our lies.

What happened afterwards? 

Well it turns out I don’t like vegan food so I was starving, and knackered from the weightlifting, and she had to get back so she could meditate before bed because she’s taken that up now, so we called it a day.

What would you change about the evening? 

Nothing really, we’re both incredibly high-powered people committed to wellness and manifesting our best selves. We literally didn’t talk about anything else. I did wonder what she was like before, say five days ago.

Will you see each other again?  

Yes. We’ve set a date – which wasn’t easy, between her piano lessons and my dance classes – and we’ll definitely turn up and report on our progress which will be considerable.

Lucy on Jordan

First impression?

He said he’s a weightlifter but hasn’t exactly got the body of one but apparently he’s just starting out. I explained I’m the same with triathlons, or will be once I get a bike.

How was conversation? 

Turn-based, in that I’d tell him about my DuoLingo then he’d tell me about learning Krav Maga then I’d tell him about my piano lessons and he’d tell me about a four-volume history of the Vietnam war he’s started. We’re both very impressive people.

Memorable moments?

He stopped me eating cheese, which he explained isn’t vegan – I haven’t got a vegan app like he has, so I didn’t realise – so we had a laugh about that. Though he fell silent when the waitress went by with a bottle of red wine and a burger. That stayed with me.

Favourite thing about Jordan? 

He’s certainly willing to throw himself into things, though I doubt they’ll put you ‘straight on the boats’ when you volunteer for the RNLI but have no maritime experience. Still, if I entertained doubts like that I wouldn’t be hitchhiking from New York to Latin America!

A capsule description? 

Just a seething mass of aspirations and commitments to becoming a better person. It was like looking in a mirror. That’s lying to you.

Was there a spark? 

I think there was, but it’ll have to wait until we’ve got fewer evening engagements. Being brutally honest that will likely be the case in less than a fortnight. Also, you know what’s good for pouring on a spark? Alcohol.

What happened afterwards? 

I walked home to hit my steps target and went to bed hungry and unfulfilled. And you know what? That stuff about giving up masturbation’s bollocks. I’ve dropped that.

What would you change about the evening? 

I would perhaps not frame some of the things I’m intending to do, or hoping to do, or sort of thinking about doing a bit, as definite things I’m definitely doing for sure. Because seeing him I kind of realised I might not and I could end up looking a dick.

Will you see each other again?  

The problem is it’ll be a massive letdown, because let’s face it I’ll have quit all this shit by then. But I reckon so will he, we’ll be ready to tell the truth and frankly I’m up for a shag.