DON’T fancy it? Not sure why his junk feels entitled to demand yet another hole? If you’d rather let the other orifices do the heavy lifting, use these dodges:
Draw up an extensive plan of action
The death of spontaneity is the death of sex and there’s nothing less spontaneous than a 13-point anal sex action plan. If the vigorous miming of an enema doesn’t do it, the lube budget and timing around bowel movements should. He’ll get as panicked as when he booked that flying lesson and it turned out it wasn’t like the videogames.
Deflect
He talks about anal sex, you talk about Sucession. He talks about anal sex, you talk about the dog’s lazy eye and how cute he’d look in a patch. He talks about anal sex, you talk about a new street-food meze place. If he sees through the plan and says ‘Are you avoiding the subject of anal sex?’ ask if it’s normal for your shoe size to change.
Talk about your bowels a lot
Report back on every shit. Paint a full picture of your faecal life: clogged up or free-flowing, if he loves you, that man needs to know.The more vivid the images, the less he’ll associate your back passage with sex and cramming his little soldier up your fart box will be forgotten.
Don’t be swayed
You’re right to doubt his claims you’d love it. That’s not his motivation. And he’s overselling the G-spot idea: never found in vaginal intercourse, does he honestly that’s because it abandoned fanny and scuttled up your butt like a crab changing rockpools?
Imply it’s reciprocal
Line up the sex toys, from the ones he knew about to the rather more sizeable ones he definitely didn’t. Ask which one he’d like to start with. If he doesn’t seem keen, remind him it’s a predilection enjoyed by the second highest in the land so he should feel honoured.
Get older
There comes an age where nobody’s expecting you to be adventurous any more. Sure, losing your anal virginity in your 50s would make a great dinner party anecdote but you’re hardly going to be lying on your deathbed wishing you’d gone for it while you had the chance. Or maybe you are. Perhaps lube up and give it a bash just in case.
