FANTASIES of being forced into sex are common. Fantasies of being obligated to go down are non-existent, because the blowjob you’re guilted into pleases nobody.
But if you’re in a relationship, sex on your birthday is as expected as your partner lying about porn. And not just a quick endorphin release fuck: oral at the very least.
So if it’s definitely happening once a year – twice if you’re the Queen – and there’s no getting out of it, you might as well plan to get it over with. It’s not your bloody birthday after all, and if it was you wouldn’t have asked for a mouthful of fanny.
Think ahead
It takes more than a thoughtful gift to get you out of it. Total spend excludes giving head. But springing for an evening out on the big day, which seems always to fall on a Tuesday when you’re not in a foreplay mood, is strategic.
A ten-course taster menu or a trip to a theatre that’s two hours away means that by the time you’re home it’s close to midnight and there’s little time for anything adventurous. You might even get away with a hand job and then sleep. Boom. All over for another year.
Stay at home
If you stay in your own drab home, with sex-extinguisher children lightly sleeping just across the hall, expectations are pre-managed. Make the mistake of treating your nearest and dearest to a birthday night in a four-poster in the Lake District, or to be honest just a neat double in a clean and functional Premier Inn, you’re inviting depravity.
Crazed with the unfamiliarity of the surroundings, your normally tired wife will ride you like you’re a Derby winner then expect to be lavishly finished off with little or no regard for your twinging lumbar. Keep everyone’s hopes low by sticking to your own bed with sheets that haven’t been washed in a month.
Recycle
If he’s insisting on making it the main event, like he’s still attracted to you or something, then cue up the greatest hits. Use the underwear from a few years back, lower the lighting so he can’t tell it’s gone grey in the wash, and encourage him to tear it off if he wants to. Sexy and saves you a trip to the charity shop.
Distract
Like a magician, if you lay on the flash and patter your audience won’t even notice that the showstopper ended with a quick fingering – the kind that ends with you saying ‘did you come?’ and her replying ‘not sure.’ Diamond jewellery is a great alternative to cunnilingus, and fake diamonds are way harder to spot than fake orgasms.
Pace youself
Can’t be arsed? Put effort into planning your lack of effort in advance. Pull tricks like holding back on their favourite sex act so it comes as a novelty on the night. And, if all else fails, there’s always anal.
