OPENING up about your sexual fantasies to your lover is the key to great sex, in theory, but nobody’s ever done it because what if your lover freaks the fuck out?
Yes, they’re the one person who could bring your deepest, most wayward desires to life. But also the stuff you get off to is pretty depraved. Here’s how to nearly-but-not-really let them in:
Ideally you’d be in Morocco, smoking hash in a hotel overlooking the rolling desert, where any confession would be untroubling. Not fucking likely though, is it? So should mention you’d like to get spunked on while unpacking the dishwasher? Fill the bedroom with candles and recline naked on a bed of rose petals before announcing you want to be anally stimulated? Pop it all down formally in a midday email? You’re paralysed into inaction before you’ve said a word.
Hate yourself for your deviancy
A healthy, British level of self-loathing is an asset for veering off subject. Try to blurt out ‘I want to be spanked!’ and subconsciously correct it to ‘Thanked! For recording Grand Designs!’ Fantasies are a normal and healthy part of being a sexually-realised adult, except yours. Yours are fucked up. Admit them and your wife will never shag you missionary with the lights out ever again.
Fear their reaction
You make yourself vulnerable by confessing your fantasies. Your husband pulls that face he does when he hears your mother’s up for five days this Christmas. That’s expected, but have you considered you might trigger an equally unwelcome bout of reciprocal honesty? Like nuclear warfare, it escalates quickly: he dresses up as a fireman for you and suddenly all his kinks are fair game, no matter how hard to clean up after.
Believe you’re unique
Surely you’re the only woman in the world to have fantasies that are boringly close to Fifty Shades of Grey, which is why you slam your laptop shut when your boyfriend arrives in the middle of an agonisingly tame bondage video. Keep reminding yourself these fantasies are yours and yours alone, despite there being ten million hours on Pornhub alone dedicated to it. Never tell a soul, least of all the person you love.
Don’t admit them even to yourself
It’s best not to share your true desires even with yourself. Close your own mind, lie that sex on a chair satisfies your wild side and keep your filthy thoughts to yourself and your internet service provider. You can die curious, disappointed and humiliation-free. What more could any sexually-stifled human being wish for? When it comes to confessing your sexual peccadillos, denial is the answer.