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I'm Ryan Gosling and you may be entitled to compensation

HELLO, I’m Ryan Gosling and you may be entitled to compensation. Yes, that’s the Hollywood heartthrob and star of La La Land. I earn a bit on the side making compo claim calls. Why not?

So, have you ever fallen arse-over-tit after tripping on a loose paving slab outside Timpsons? If so you’re looking at a big cash payout from Rochdale County Council. Because unlike Ken from the Barbie movie, the real Ryan has the balls to follow through!

I’ll take on any claim. Got whiplash after being rear-ended at a roundabout by a Vauxhall Corsa? I can help. Don’t bother with ambulance-chasing solicitors – my easy charm and disarming good looks mean you’ll walk away with at least 800 quid. And that’s a Gosling Guarantee. Disclaimer: Gosling Guarantee not guaranteed.

So if you’ve been missold PPI, bumped by EasyJet from your flight to Alicante or stuck on a delayed train to Uttoxeter while it slowly filled up with farts, I’m your man. 

If you can’t talk now, call me back and book an appointment with one of my assistants who definitely isn’t me doing a different voice. Or I can be contacted outside Taco Bell on Hollywood Boulevard most nights handing out flyers.

You can trust me because I know what it’s like to be the victim of unscrupulous people. I get many financial offers – wear this shirt, advertise this pizza, walk my dog – but when I turn up at the meeting all they’re interested in is talking about Emma Stone.  

‘What’s Emma Stone like?’ they’ll say. ‘Have you got her phone number?’, ‘What does she smell like?’. I’m not going to be sidelined like that, so I sue them for emotional distress and my bus fare. And so should you.

Sure, you’re probably not going to be offered any ‘brand ambassador’ deals, but if you’ve been injured in the workplace, I can – oh you’ve hung up. Oh well, back to the autodialler. Hello, I’m Ryan Gosling and you may be entitled to compensation…

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How I joined the manosphere via lemon cake recipes, by a 78-year-old grandmother

By internet enthusiast Nancy Wilkes, who doesn’t understand what her grandson means, she’s making the right clicks

I CAN’T find Mary Berry anywhere. Her recipes, I mean. That book has been my Bible – albeit stained with jam which you wouldn’t do with the actual word of God – for years.

But do I need to find it when there’s the web? I booted up the PC, got out the laminated sheet with the passwords on and 27 minutes and 138 updates later, I was on. ‘Please Google’ – it costs nothing to be polite – ‘can I have Mrs Berry with jam xxx’.

Perhaps my punctuation was off. But a woman, writhing, covered in what looked like shop-bought jam? Not the Mary I knew, but perhaps money got tight after Bake-Off. 

Well then, pound cake. I clicked on a video with a comely girl promising her cake would be pounded, because Gen Z know nothing about grammar. If she did make the cake it was further in than I watched. And four men? She’s never heard the phrase ‘too many cooks’.

So I clicked on a delicate little bald boy, with very sensitive eyes, just to be away from her. Andrew Tate, his name is. Such a traditional, strong name. You can’t go wrong with an Andrew.

He was telling me women ought to make him a sandwich. Quite the feminist; in my day, if you gave a man a sandwich instead of a hot dinner he’d leave for the pub and not come back.

But even though he’s a progressive he made good sense. Old-fashioned values about women knowing their role, getting married and staying at home, like when Mrs Thatcher was prime minister.

He’s a lovely lad, not lost his innocence, spends all day playing war with his friends and having shiny cars, and I agree with him that high body counts are ridiculous. That’s why I like Vera but I can’t stick Midsomer Murders.

I’ll watch again, to see this Chad and Stacey he’s so excited about come round. Not sure about all the ‘cucks’ and ‘beta males’ though. I suppose calling names lets him feel he’s got back at the bullies.

I’ve started following Andy. I hope he post recipes. I know you’re not supposed to say ‘gay’ now but he has the look of a man who’d make a delectable spiced apple turnover.

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