Erections aren’t all that, says the Mash’s middle-aged sex columnist, Jen Prentice
IMPOTENCE can be devastating for both partners in a long-term relationship. But could it also be a massive fucking relief and time to crack open a bottle and celebrate?
I spoke to couples dealing with impotence, and this is what they said. And I didn’t make them up, honest. A totally unqualified media ‘sexpert’ would never do that.
A limp dick in the hand is worth not waxing your bush
If you know your partner’s got nothing but soggy spaghetti down there, there’s no need to go to the effort of strimming your pubes or lathering up your nether regions ‘just in case’.
As Instagram quotes from Buddhist monks tell us, happiness is all about making the most of what you have. In this case you can climb into bed safe in the knowledge there’s nothing awaiting you besides farts and unjust duvet-yanking. Bliss.
No worries about sex
You get a break not only from sex but also from worrying about how long it’s been since you last did it. As one woman who definitely wasn’t me said: ‘I used to squeeze my lockdown back fat into a lacy bra. But thanks to Derek going ‘flaccid flamingo’, I can enjoy something that never disappoints me in bed, such as eating cold leftover pasta from the pan.’
No awkward conversations
Don’t put your man through the embarrassment of talking about it in a mature and sensible way. Also you might accidentally achieve a new level of emotional intimacy and solve the problem.
‘Emma’, whose partner ‘Steve’ is half a man, said: ‘I find it’s best never to mention it. Steve doesn’t even enjoy a hilarious impotence-related quip about Mr Softy ice cream. Weirdo.’
Enjoy other indulgences
Your man’s limp doofer leaves you both free to indulge in other ways. For a start, you never have to put the stops on how much you drink. With no chance of him getting it up anyway, you can both really go for it down the pub, and make the most of the weather with a bottle or two of disappointing rose at supper.
Another woman who is real said: ‘There’s no need to hold back on food either. Tonight I’m having extra garlic sauce for my tiger prawns because there’s nothing for my post-Deliveroo paunch to get in the way of.’
There’s always Ryan Gosling
You can do other sex stuff, but having sex without a boner is like making a pie without shop-bought pastry – you can get out all the apparatus and make your own but it’s a massive faff. Easiest just to watch The Gray Man again. Ryan Gosling will never disappoint.