Impotence: Are you both secretly pleased? The Mash sex columnist writes

Erections aren’t all that, says the Mash’s middle-aged sex columnist, Jen Prentice

IMPOTENCE can be devastating for both partners in a long-term relationship. But could it also be a massive fucking relief and time to crack open a bottle and celebrate?

I spoke to couples dealing with impotence, and this is what they said. And I didn’t make them up, honest. A totally unqualified media ‘sexpert’ would never do that.

A limp dick in the hand is worth not waxing your bush 

If you know your partner’s got nothing but soggy spaghetti down there, there’s no need to go to the effort of strimming your pubes or lathering up your nether regions ‘just in case’. 

As Instagram quotes from Buddhist monks tell us, happiness is all about making the most of what you have. In this case you can climb into bed safe in the knowledge there’s nothing awaiting you besides farts and unjust duvet-yanking. Bliss.

No worries about sex

You get a break not only from sex but also from worrying about how long it’s been since you last did it. As one woman who definitely wasn’t me said: ‘I used to squeeze my lockdown back fat into a lacy bra. But thanks to Derek going ‘flaccid flamingo’, I can enjoy something that never disappoints me in bed, such as eating cold leftover pasta from the pan.’

No awkward conversations

Don’t put your man through the embarrassment of talking about it in a mature and sensible way. Also you might accidentally achieve a new level of emotional intimacy and solve the problem. 

‘Emma’, whose partner ‘Steve’ is half a man, said: ‘I find it’s best never to mention it. Steve doesn’t even enjoy a hilarious impotence-related quip about Mr Softy ice cream. Weirdo.’

Enjoy other indulgences

Your man’s limp doofer leaves you both free to indulge in other ways. For a start, you never have to put the stops on how much you drink. With no chance of him getting it up anyway, you can both really go for it down the pub, and make the most of the weather with a bottle or two of disappointing rose at supper. 

Another woman who is real said: ‘There’s no need to hold back on food either. Tonight I’m having extra garlic sauce for my tiger prawns because there’s nothing for my post-Deliveroo paunch to get in the way of.’

There’s always Ryan Gosling

You can do other sex stuff, but having sex without a boner is like making a pie without shop-bought pastry – you can get out all the apparatus and make your own but it’s a massive faff. Easiest just to watch The Gray Man again. Ryan Gosling will never disappoint.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

It’s time to finally get on top of your finances, so marry Rishi Sunak’s wife. It sounds tricky, but you’ll work something out.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Especially if your job is wearing the Burger King mascot suit.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You’ve got to be firm about not letting others take advantage of you. If your girlfriend asks to pinch a chip tell her to fuck off and rot in Hell, the thieving cow.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Rail prices are going up so much that soon you’ll have to stop taking the Monday morning rush hour train from Manchester Piccadilly to London Euston just for fun.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Your head and your heart want different things. Your head wants a Chicken Feast but your heart wants a Mighty Meaty. And they’re never going to agree on whether Dough Balls are shit.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Papa’s got a brand new bag, sang James Brown. Big fucking deal. Your dad just bought a new holdall from Argos and he’s not written a groundbreaking funk classic about it.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Fellow Librans include Catherine Zeta Jones, Lena Headey and Will Smith. As such you must take some of the blame for After Earth. Publicly insert the DVD into your rectum while shouting ‘I’m sorry’. 

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

When Bob Dylan was knock-knock-knocking on heaven’s door, did he ever stop to think that God might be on the bog?

Sagittarius, November 23rd–December 21st

Your husband knows you’re having an affair but thinks it’s with the fit guy from work, not the one who looks like Ian Beale. It’s nice to know he believes in you.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. Unless you look on the box, you thick bastard.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Perfection is the enemy of progress, you tell your partner. In other words you rinsed the bath but there’s still a load of pubic hairs in there.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

This week the horoscopes are being done by the work experience guy. He’s bloody useless, so Pisces will be a wanking Autobot in the lunar of Dairylea.