WHO’S naughty? Who’s nice? Whose relationship has become nothing but boringly nice when it used to be spiritedly naughty?
If all you want for Christmas this year is a blowjob, it’s tempting to lay out some cash on sexy presents for your lover to guarantee you get some. But will it work, or are you spending the season too pissed to feel anything but faintly nauseous?
Lingerie
Every year hopeful husbands with half a hard-on spend thousands on lacy lingerie they’ll see in semi-darkness for all of three minutes, when they could have bought an iPhone, a babysitter or a trip to a massage parlour.
Instead here you are, shivering in your Arctic bedroom, squeezed into a babydoll nightie with fast-shedding faux-fur adornments that dig into your bum fat like string on a Christmas ham. And this was a present for you?
Novelty sex toys
Is there Christmas-themed sex toys, involving cartoonish, childhood images that have no place being mixed with foreplay? They seemed fun when you were on Ann Summers late and drunk but now the moment’s come do you really want Santa’s freaky face on a pair of stick-on nipple vibrators? A dildo in the shape of a candy cane? A butt plug with a sleigh bell attached? And they’ll be a fucker to regift.
Christmas sex games
From sex crackers to kinky festive boardgames: what made you think this was a good idea? When the kids are off and liable to wander into your bedroom at any moment? Chances are you’re not even home but wedged into a single bed at your mum’s while an elderly aunt snores next door. And if you’re throwing sex dice, the metaphor’s overtaken the reality.
A sex swing
You’ve always thought about taking the leap into full-on swinger territory and Christmas seemed idea to oblige your boyfriend to join you. But it’s ambitious for a couple having one vanilla sex session a week to assume they’re just an item of furniture away from acrobatic orgasms. This requires ceiling bolts, like a chandelier. It’ll never get hung.
Naughty Christmas ornaments
Two gingerbread men bumming, a snowman holding a sign that reads ‘expect 6-8 inches tonight’, hairy chocolate ball-balls which in the plain light of day are just alarmingly realistic white chocolate scrotums hanging from a hook. How in the hell did you think these would be funny, let alone sexy? They should be marked ‘For Secret Santa only’. They should ask at the till.
