Let's move to a city where where your life expectancy lowers the moment you're off the train! This week: Glasgow

What’s it about?

Ah, bonny Glasgow, recently voted one of the worst cities to live in Europe due to violence and gang turf wars. Combined with sky-high alcoholism, excessive drug deaths and one of the lowest life expectancies in the UK, it’s surprising there’s any fucker here.

Contributing to the risk of early death, there’s vicious sectarianism in the shape of football rivalry and Orange walks, young team knife fights and dedicatedly shit weather. Still, the slave-trade-funded architecture’s nice, if the building you want to look at hasn’t been burned to the ground in mysterious circumstances. Sometimes more than once.

Any good points?

The people of Glasgow are known for their unfailing friendliness. They’re a gregarious bunch if you’re lucky enough to meet one. However you’re more likely to meet smug English twats who consider themselves ‘so lucky’ to buy a four-bed tenement flat with high ceilings for the cost of a garage in Bristol.

Adventurous palate? You’ll like Glaswegian food. Fancy a ‘well-fired’ roll? Purposely burnt to a crisp during baking, which passes as a delicacy here. There are also square, frighteningly pink sausages and macaroni pie, which is exactly what it sounds like: a disgusting double-carbohydrate nightmare.

Wonderful landscapes?

If you find massive motorways thundering straight through a city centre inspiring, you’re spoiled for fucking choice. Likewise, if depressing, out-of-town shopping centres get you going you’ll never lose your erection.

In the market for some atmospheric ex-industrial scenery? All that’s left is the Finnieston Crane, which impressively and uselessly sits in the car park of the exhibition centre. The whole harbour area’s criminally underused and devoted to developers throwing up ugly student halls. The one bright spot is the Riverside Museum, designed by Zaha Hadid, but only if you can be arsed taking a tortuously complicated public transport route to reach it.

Hang out at…

If you like getting shitfaced and having a fight, Glasgow’s miles better. The city has hundreds of pubs, most of them with wire mesh over the windows. That should give you the general idea.

For food, visit the Ubiquitous Chip, which has been Glasgow’s only restaurant worth visiting since it opened in 1971. Or, if you’re poor like most of the city, there’s Fat Man’s Corner: a crossroads that has KFC, McDonald’s, Pizza Hut and Tim Horton’s at each corner. No need to wonder why Glaswegians die early.

Into culture and like looking at burnt out husks of buildings completely covered in scaffolding? Visit the world-famous Glasgow School of Art, designed by Charles Rennie Mackintosh which had a massive fire in 2014 then another four years later as it was being restored. Don’t float the idea of knocking it down and building something else. What else could Glasgow spend £100 million on?

Where to buy?

If you’re fancy, you’ll head to the West End, home of Glasgow’s only Waitrose. There’s a museum and everything, and living there adds three years onto your life.

If you want to get as much bang for your buck as possible, try Govanhill. It’s cheap because of its undeservedly bad reputation, but you’ll be fighting through hordes of hipster gentrifiers opening more wanky coffee bars and bao bun shops every day.

From the streets:

Tom Logan: “Yeah, it rains endlessly, there are junkies everywhere and the back court is full of needles and fly-tipped washing machines, but I’ve bought my own flat at the age of 22 so who gives a shit?”

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Star Wars: why it's time to let it die

IN 1977 a really good space action film came out. In 1980 it had a great sequel. 42 years later, it’s time to put the franchise out of its misery: 

It’s been bollocks since 1983

George Lucas was on course to make the perfect trilogy, but nobody makes the perfect trilogy. And, true to that rule, he threw it all away in one Ewok-powered swoop, Leia’s gold bikini and C3-PO being mistaken for a god. AT-STs getting crushed by a couple of logs? Fuck off.

The prequels and sequels add nothing

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the universe was really very small. The whole saga revolves around some loser farmer, a couple of his mates and his dad. You meet more people at university. A small circle of friends and relatives doesn’t warrant a swathe of spin-off media that takes days to sit through.

Even the good stuff has been retroactively fucked

Remember how terrifying Darth Vader seemed when you first saw A New Hope? Or how the Force felt like some mesmerising, other-worldly superpower? Yeah, well, it turns out the Emperor’s right-hand man built a fussy robot and the Force is genetically inherited and measured by testing your blood for midi-chlorians. So that’s shit.

There’s a real lack of imagination

Imagine a planet that’s all desert. Or one that’s all ice. Or one that’s all lava. Or one that’s all city. Now imagine a planet combining all these environments and more. You’re on it. George Lucas did not stretch himself when coming up with locations, even before we went back to Tatooine again and again and again.

It will never, ever end

With each passing year the ratio of good to bad Star Wars becomes smaller and smaller, like an accelerated Simpsons. But Disney paid $4.05 billion for it – for context, the .05 there is £40 million – so they’re never going to stop churning out films, TV shows, and themed self-help tapes for adults who should have left Star Wars behind decades ago.

Have you seen The Rise of Skywalker? Fucking hell

The Force Awakens was Queen playing the hits at Live Aid. The Last Jedi at least tried to push the saga in a new direction. The Rise of Skywalker is indefensible horseshit. Palpatine’s alive? Rey’s his granddaughter? He has a secret, massive fleet of Star Destroyers? In a just universe this film would have sent Star Wars to the trash compactor for good, yet here we are. Compelled to endure this diminishing-returns franchise forever.